Union dues

How many of you really know what a trade union is and does? I don't mean what it says it does or pretends to do, I mean really, really does?

We all know what they are supposed to do. They should be safeguarding workers' rights... right? But do they? Or is there another string to the union's bow... several other strings?

If, like me, you've always wondered about this one, I... Sylvanus will today provide you with all the answers. I shall of course be dealing with Maltese trade unions... Obviously, since Malta is the centre of the universe, unions in Malta are far more important then those in any other country. So let's go right to the top.

When were Maltese trade unions invented and by whom?

Trade unions in Malta were invented in the 1970s by Dom Mintoff to p*** off the Nats and to make sure he had enough grassroots backing to keep him in power for life and... if possible, even longer.

There is a school of thought that contends that unions in Malta have a longer history than the one I've just laid out. This is not so: yes, there were organisations that called themselves trade unions, but these were, in effect, merely capitalist lackeys of the imperialist overlords. At least that's what Mr Mintoff called them and... as we all know, he's never yet been known to be wrong... about anything.

What do Maltese trade unions do?

Contrary to the popularly held belief that unions in Malta exist solely for the purpose of p****** off the ruling-class and disrupting the lives of the general populace, Maltese trade unions do have at least one serious purpose. Just what it is escapes me for the moment, but I'm certain they must exist to achieve more than just p****** off the government.

Maltese trade unions also exist to keep in check the fat cats who run the country. And no, this is not an oblique and picaresque reference to Tony Zarb. Malta's trade unions have the drop on industry by holding the trump card of strike action. The right to withhold their labour is a potent force in trade unionism. In fact a trade union is capable of bringing down a government, or threatening to do so as in the case of the GWU.

A prime example of a union bringing down not only a government but also a whole system of government can be seen in the case of the Polish trade union Solidarity! Er... or perhaps that's not a very good example. At least I don't think Tony Zarb would think so.

What are the main unions and who are the dominant union personalities in Malta?

As everybody knows, there is only one predominant union in the Maltese Islands and this is the GWU, which stands for the Gozitan Weavers Union. This organisation is lorded over by Tony Zarb, a self-made man whose aims in life are: to perpetuate the myth of workers' omnipotence; to cement his position within the union for life... and beyond; and to drive a wedge between the working population and the ruling class... and... to p*** off the Nats.

There are other unions in these islands among which are the UHM, or the Underemployed Holiday Makers union. These however are what Mr Zarb would call "capitalist lackeys and a proletarian hindrance to the revolution" (whatever that means). There are no other unions of any significance whatsoever... whatever Vince Farrugia says.

Maltese trade unions: The future.

The future for Maltese trade unions looks extremely bright. There are on the horizon innumerable opportunities to p*** off the government. These include street protests to object to the Park-and-Ride scheme (which will bring unendurable hardship to that stout body of men... the Valletta parkers). Officially sanctioned strikes in the tourist section, to complain about irregular immigrants taking over and occupying all our five-star hotels. Wide-scale industrial action to show solidarity with our overworked public service employees and civil servants... ahem.

Oh yes, and... a concerted campaign to secure more pay and shorter hours for the GWU general secretary... culminating in a pension of double the retirement rate and a guarantee of entry into Paradise without a prolonged stay in Purgatory.

So the scene is set fair for unionism here, especially for Tony Zarb.