Waiting to exhale (after spring cleaning)

When T.S. Eliot dubbed April the cruellest month of the year, he was not thinking of the combined weeding, dusting, polishing, cleaning, washing, ironing, and tucking away ritual that any home needs once in a while. Yet any sane woman will agree that spring cleaning, especially when it involves clearing away winter stodge, is something to loath with a passion.

So it's curious to note how in this politically correct age, the UK press in particular has been raining praise on the pleasures of house chores, citing women who declare that sprucing up the house gives them an incomparable "feeling of control and Zen-like security".

I don't know who these scribblers are trying to con, especially when one of the illustrations showed Naomi Campbell on stilettos advertising a washing liquid wearing just a tad more than a pair of silvery rubber gloves. "We've got thousands of glam washing up gloves to give away. Just collect two proofs of purchase ..." Big deal!

There's even a female trying to cash in on a How-to-sex-up-your-house-chores manual. Sounds bizarre at first, but fits perfectly in a world where just about everything on sale flaunts titillating fantasies that at the end of the day boil down to the void of vicarious sex.

Well, forget the supposedly exciting element in preventing your house from turning into a pigsty, the bare bone truth is that house chores numb the brain and leave you totally knackered. Spring cleaning is not an occasional fillip. It's the coup de grace that follows the weekly humdrum of keeping your home habitable.

Rather than moon yourself over silly 'advice', get real and brace yourself for a few days of hell by planning your targets with cool rationality and orchestrating a vacuum cleaner and as many pairs of helping hands as you can possibly get hold of.

What will get you through is a methodical action plan whose triumph is celebrated with an overdose of pampering to leave you floating on air for days and the horror of what you've been through a dim memory.

Cleaning carpets

¤ Save hours of toil and sweat by having them professionally cleaned.

¤ If not, start with separating any Persians from the rest.

¤ Brush (never vacuum) Persian carpets with a very soft brush and wipe with a kerosene-dipped rag. Leave to dry in the sun before rolling and putting them away.

¤ Vacuum all other carpets. Some might also need a good beating and a thorough shampoo. Once again, air in the sun before storing.

¤ Sprinkle with dried lavender to prevent any creepy crawlies breeding in them and wrap in old cotton sheets, not plastic sheeting.

Windows

Whether you seek help or do them yourself, make sure that vertical strokes are used when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside. This way you can tell which side has the streaks.

Since vinegar cuts grease and brings out a good shine it's the best additive to your buckets of water. (A few drops of vinegar added to clear water are just the thing to wash your finest glass and crystal pieces.)

Curtains

¤ Washable curtains - there's no escaping plunging into and wringing out soap and water - but don't do it alone.

¤ Dry clean any others if necessary, otherwise a good shake and light brushing will do before hanging them again.

¤ Some curtain establishments hang your curtains for a small fee - go for it.

Light fittings

Unless you have an entourage to clean those infernal crystal droplets, dump these monsters and hang something sleek that only needs the occasional wipe done in the bat of an eyelid.

Sofas, armchairs

¤ Minimise cleaning by investing in stain-resistant fabric and covering it with stylish and practical throws.

¤ However, mishaps do happen and no amount of vacuuming will remove stains, which should be treated immediately. Contact your dry cleaner if you're scared of using stain removers or if they don't work.

Quilts and duvet covers

¤ Invest in machine washable stuff in the first place.

¤ If a whirl and a spin in the washing machine are still too much for you, take them to a laundry.

¤ Also sprinkle with lavender and store in old cotton sheets.

Wardrobes, cupboards

¤ You have to empty, dust and put things back in place, but make a roster rather than kill yourself by doing everything in one go.

¤ Take the opportunity to bin anything dowdy, decrepit and defunct.

Sliding door tracks

¤ Vacuum them first.

¤ Spray with white vinegar and let set for a couple of hours.

¤ Wipe the tracks and rinse thoroughly.

Removing mouldy patches on furniture

¤ Dust off the mould as well as you can.

¤ Rub the patch with a cloth dabbed with undiluted hygiene (wear gloves before you start).

¤ Insert a polystyrene sheet (about half an inch thick) in between the furniture and the wall so that the damp will not attack again.

Removing water rings on wood furniture

¤ Mix equal parts of baking soda and regular white, non-gel toothpaste.

¤ Dip a slightly dampened clean cloth into the paste. Gently buff the marks using circular movements.

¤ Wipe the area clean, then buff to a shine.

¤ If the ring remains after buffing, you may have to refinish the piece.

Fridge hygiene

¤ Remove odours and smells with a solution of 30 ml baking soda to 1 litre of warm water.

¤ Also keep a small dish of baking soda on one of the shelves.

¤ Clean door gaskets every three months.

¤ Vacuum the condenser coil every three months to max cooling performance.