Thirty-one years after losing her mother to suicide, Mary Mallia is sharing her story in a new book – hoping to help others navigate the pain, guilt and unanswered questions that often follow such a devastating loss.

Through her personal journey, she aims to offer healing, understanding and a path forward for those facing a similar reality.

“There is a silence and stigma about suicide and hearing someone else’s story can give you permission to talk about it – and that is the first step towards healing,” says Mary, now 56 years old.

The book, called Liberation at Last: Love after Death, is the first of a trilogy.

Mary, then a 25-year-old teacher, was running a school Christmas concert when she was called by the headteacher and told that her mother had died.

Her mother had tried to end her life before. This time, aged 43, she managed.

“I became aware that my mother was unwell when I was 12 years old because that’s when she made her first attempt, and I was the one to find her. This happened other times. There was a role reversal. I was taking care of my mother. I lived in fear of going back home and finding she had done it,” Mary says.

She adds that, in her last year of life, her mother was on strong medical treatment to cope with her mental health problems. 

“I coped with it because I had firm faith, and I would also compartmentalise: once I left the house, I’d have to be immersed in what I had to do. Sometimes I had my off days when I’d be very emotional and sensitive. I was aware that, as the primary carer, I had to take care of myself even as a child.”

Mary had a strong support network that included teachers and friends at the Society of Christian Doctrine (MUSEUM).Then, on December 20, 1993 – just five days before Christmas – her mother died by suicide.

There was anger, guilt and a lot of pain.

Mary tried to get on with her life. She got married and moved to the UK, where she still lives. Over the years she graduated as a yoga teacher and worked hard to find a path towards healing. 

The book, called Liberation at Last: Love after Death, is the first of a trilogy.

The idea of writing a book started brewing and about 10 years ago, she returned home from a night out and the book “poured out” of her.

It was the first version – a darker version of the current revised one which offers more hope because it follows another decade of healing. 

The book is based on her true story but has a layer of philosophical fiction and magical realism. She tells the story through three perspectives: her own, her mother’s and the narrator’s. 

She gives the characters fictional names to protect the identities of her father, brother and other close relatives – although the name of the daughter in the book – Marie – is very close to her name. 

This journey helped her better understand and connect with her mother.

“I feel I have the best relationship I ever had with her. She comes to me in dreams. I feel her presence. I also have developed a much more in-depth and thorough insight into where she was coming from, and it gave me compassion towards her and everyone involved. When it happened we were all struggling to cope in our own ways. It was sink or swim,” she says.

There is a silence and stigma about suicide and hearing someone else’s story can give you permission to talk about it

As she emerges from the trauma, she has a message of hope for those going through it: “Please, don’t judge yourself too harshly. It’s a very hard situation to be in. Treat yourself with compassion. When you are in that situation, taking care of someone who has suicidal ideation, at that point in time you are doing the best you can. You feel guilty because you think you could have done this and that. But, at the time, you did the best you could.“

Once you do that, extend that forgiveness to the person who committed suicide… I realise now – as I rewrite the book – how much my mother loved me,” she says.

The book launch will take place on January 24 at 7pm at Dar Frate Jacoba, Triq Sant’Antnin, Marsascala.

Anyone who wishes to attend the book launch can contact Mary on mariemallia650@gmail.com. Signed copies of the book will be sold at the book launch. Alternatively, anyone interested can get a signed copy from BDL, San Ġwann. 

Seeking support

Between 2011 and May 25, 2024, 339 people lost their lives to suicide. According to replies to parliamentary questions, the figure stood at 27 deaths in 2023 and 21 between January and October last year. 

If you are feeling depressed and need support, or need guidance on how to help someone who is suicidal, call 1579. You can also call Richmond Malta’s helpline on 1770. One can also type OLLI.Chat on their desktop, mobile or tablet browser to chat with a professional.

If you have been affected by suicide, you can call Victim Support Malta on  2122 8333 or info@victimsupport.org.mt.