There is a fear hidden deep inside my heart: I dread the day my daughter stops looking at me in awe. At the moment she still sees me with the eyes of a little girl – to her, everything I do is amazing: be it whistling or putting on lip gloss.

I fear that day when - as her childhood gaze transforms into a teenage eye-roll, then into an adult stare - I might let her down... let myself down for not living up to that perception of me.

This is my fourth Mother’s Day as a mother – my 40th one as a daughter. When I became a mother I remember feeling I now had to be the best human specimen I could be – for my daughter. 

I had this vision of me being a woman who follows her passion, takes time to look after her body and mind, always looks well put-together, always has time for family and friends. In this vision I also threw in doing something big, like writing a book.

I wanted to be the best possible role model for my daughter. Check all the boxes. Those words “for my daughter” kept coming up.

I soon realised this is easier said than done. I found myself, and my time, consumed by things I “had to do” (mainly work and be a mother) with very little time (and energy) for things “I wanted to do” – something I know many mothers struggle with.

Apart from the great side of motherhood, there is the tough, darker side - where many women get lost as their identities melt away

But there's still so much on the checklist that remains unchecked. Spending two months inside, because of the coronavirus pandemic, makes you think – and Google things such as: “woman/mother feeling overwhelmed”.

I recently came across an article quoting psychologist Carl Pickhardt say that parents all too often make the mistake of thinking they have to sacrifice everything for their children – and place the child as their first priority. 

The idea that we should not always prioritise our children over our own wellbeing can be very uncomfortable. It sounds selfish. It sounds, well, unmotherly. 

Pickhardt says that, if you can sit with that discomfort, eventually you may realise that you’re a better parent when you’ve attended to your own needs first. 

I thought a lot about this.

Most mothers would agree that, apart from the great side of motherhood, there is the tough, darker side - where many women get lost as their identities melt away.  

I've come to realise that the best thing I can do for myself, and my daughter, is not let the individual in me fade away. I want to be able to teach her the importance of being true to myself in the hope that she will grow to be a woman who is true to herself.

So as many of us mark Mother’s Day today, here’s a thought: the mothers we are rightly so celebrating today are more than maternal figures. They are daughters, sisters, partners, wives. They are individuals with hopes and dreams that, maybe for some, include more than being a parent. 

The best gift we can give them is acknowledge this and help and encourage them to live their truth.