Wedding of the year
All of Malta's paparazzi were out in force last Saturday, for the wedding of the year at the Cosmopolitan Cathedral, Benghajsa. Yes, both photographers had plenty of opportunities to snap away at the happy couple and the myriad distinguished guests...
All of Malta's paparazzi were out in force last Saturday, for the wedding of the year at the Cosmopolitan Cathedral, Benghajsa. Yes, both photographers had plenty of opportunities to snap away at the happy couple and the myriad distinguished guests attending the nuptials of bridegroom Kevin Megrita Bustamante and his lovely bride Sharon Depasquale Strutte.
The celebrations were marked by a number of innovative and very beautiful touches. Firstly, the bride - radiant in a magnolia dress in Vietnamese silk, with a 57-metre train - arrived with her father in a gold-plated 16th century open landau (which had once towed the barge of the Venetian Dope) (Surely that should be Doge?... Ed) pulled by no fewer than six beautiful albino zebras. Indeed the bride's arrival in front of Benghajsa cathedral was greeted with spontaneous applause from both guests and tourists gathered outside on the parvis.
Inside, the marriage service was performed by Cardinal Giuseppe Tumesci, the highest-ranking cleric who could be spared from the Vatican. The best man was the groom's brother Wayne, while gentlemen ushers were Messrs Darren Pace Pace, Dean Santorini Azzopardi, Jamie Catspit Deniro and Warren (Pongo) Farrugia Randi. While the witnesses were Mr George W. Bush, the President of the United States of America, and Mr Wally Grech.
The cathedral was literally awash with floral arrangements in delicately suggestive hues of Elastoplast pink and bruise mauve. The bride's mother, Mrs Evelyn Depasquale Strutt was responsible for the amazing display. She was also responsible for the flowers... she paid for them.
And, since one of the witnesses was none other than His Exceptionality the President of the United States (or did I mention that before?), it was felt appropriate to round off the wedding service with a raucous version of The star-spangled banner... so much more pretentious than that boring old bloody wedding march. Apart from the organ, which was played by the chief organist of Milan cathedral (purposely flown in for the wedding by the groom's father), the congregation were treated to a number of harpsichord solos played live by none other than Elton John (also purposely flown in by the groom's father).
Some idea of the dedication exhibited by the groom's father, the Mostly Noble Professor Engelbert Megrita Bustamante, to ensure that things went with a swing and did not get out of hand... was the fact that he ensured that on his son's stag night he would be accompanied by a crack team from the US Delta Force, to ensure that no harm befell his precious Kev. This also had the effect of opening the doors to nightclubs previously barred to the stag party. If they didn't let them in... the Delta Force boys merely threatened to trash the place... Altogether now: Aaaaaaaaaaah!
At the end of the service, the best man, Mr Wayne Tandoori Poulé, requested that the guests remain in their pews. They were then each handed a rather phallic-shaped box and told not to open it until he (Mr Tandoori Poulé) gave the word. After a countdown from 10 to zero, the boxes were opened and... in place of boring old confetti or rice... the happy couple were showered with a cascade of thousands of cockroaches, released, almost simultaneously, from the willy-shaped boxes.
What a wonderfully romantic gesture... or something.
Then, under the incredulous gaze of a multitude... oh OK then, 12 tourists, who had gathered in the cathedral square, the wedding horde repaired to the Palazzo del Fornico for a sumptuous reception attended by over 7,000 guests. Champagne flowed and the equally exotic eats - catering was by Leli's outside caterers of Benghajsa - were consumed. And, true to the style of the bridegroom's father, the Mostly Noble Professor Engelbert Megrita Bustamante, the guests included the crème de la crème of Maltese... and indeed European society, including no lesser personages than the President of the Republic, the Prime Minister, the president of the St Roxy Band Club of Benghajsa, Lou Bondì, Luciano Pavarotti, Edgar Pace of Edgar Pace Ltd, Ms Meryl Streep (or, at any rate, her stunt double), the Laird of Glenspitoon, Dr and Mrs Lungaro Sloppe, Boy George, the Dowager Countess of Brixton and toy-boy and a Mrs Saddam Hussein.
Afterwards the happy couple left for a six-month honeymoon on the Soyuz Space Station.