What kind of parent are you?

Are you a tyrant in the home, exercising absolute control over all that your children do? Or do you go to the other extreme, giving them total freedom in order to please them all the time?

There is another way, and that's the middle way. It's called the democratic style of child rearing.

These three styles of parenting were explained by Bro. Saviour Gatt FSC at a recent conference organised by the Association of Parents of Children in Church Schools.

The autocratic style of parenting, said Bro. Saviour, stemmed from a dominating attitude, where punishment is enforced, any signs of rebellion blocked, the opinions of the children deemed worthless and fear reigns supreme. All this makes, naturally, for a very unhappy atmosphere.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are the parents who take a totally permissive approach to bringing up their children. They indulge in senseless compromise and useless concessions, and life at home is dominated by unruliness and indiscipline.

Bro Saviour explained that, by contrast, the democratic style of parenting, which could also be called the respectful, encouraging approach, involved the following features:

¤ Treating all members of the family equally.

¤ Encouraging the children to contribute to home life according to their age and ability.

¤ Allowing for discussion and consensus.

¤ Respecting privacy and self-determination in personal matters.

¤ Being honest and open in family dialogue.

¤ Avoiding all kinds of intimidation and forced opinion.

¤ Replacing punishment by the consequences of bad behaviour.

¤ Replacing praise with encouragement.

¤ Basing family relationships on the positive.

¤ Building on mutual respect.

¤ Being fair but firm.

Another speaker at the conference, proceedings of which were reported last week, spoke about what parents can do to encourage good behaviour and discipline at school.

Grace Attard, the president of the National Council of Women, said parents and a supportive home environment play a crucial role in shaping attitudes that produce good behaviour in schools, in particular when it came to the prevention of bullying.

Bullies, she said, may have parents who use physical punishment and humiliating or aggressive correction, and are highly emotional, often shouting to communicate.

On the other hand, parents of victims may be overly protective and over-anxious, blocking their children's growth as a result.

"In both situations there is no free communication between parent and children that is conducive to a relationship that enhances the growth of the child.

"Parental skills sessions would contribute a great deal towards effective parent-child relationships," she added, urging parents to develop a culture that respects the rights and needs of every individual.

Bullies, she said, rely on silence. The more people are aware, the easier it is to stop unkind and hurtful things happening. Parents should inform the school authorities if they have information on cases of bullying, whether their children are involved or not.

They should also seek professional help on how they can support their children if they are going through a difficult time.

Ms Attard also delved into the subject of alcohol, the effects of which cause a person to lose control, put him or her at risk of abuse, and may lead to accidents - and that's just in the short term. In the long term alcohol destroys the liver, kills brain cells, causes memory loss and bad breath.

Young people take alcohol for various reasons, she said. They could include peer pressure, lack of self-confidence, boredom, unhappiness and being bullied.

It could also be out of curiosity, for fun, to celebrate, to look cool, or simply because it is already part of their family's lifestyle.

Ms Attard said good parenting is an important step towards the prevention of addictions. Spending time together, listening carefully to their children and building trust all help a great deal, as is contributing towards self-esteem by helping children discover their own special talents and qualities.

But parents should also be vigilant for changes in their child's behaviour, looking out for a series of changes (rather than isolated cases). Have there been extreme mood swings, unreasonable anger, changes in activities, hobbies, eating habits? Has their son or daughter started to lie or changed friends. Are money or things disappearing? Are there unexpected school problems?

If they suspect a problem, parents should seek help and establish a support network, Ms Attard said.

The conference was chaired by journalist Godfrey Grima. It was not well attended by parents.

Mariella Grech, president of the APCCs, said the National Minimum Curriculum encourages schools to organise programmes of parental education and involvement in school.

"This is precisely what the APCCS is all about: organising parent education conferences on current educational trends related to Catholic education, giving a voice to parents, and enabling them to give their views on the topics being discussed.

"Perhaps more importantly, we allow them to have their voice heard by all relevant stakeholders including the Secretariat for Catholic Education and top officials within the Education Division and within the Ministry of Education. Surely such an opportunity should not be missed," said Ms Grech.