Merħba, welcome to the government’s one-stop-shop helpline, part of our carefully crafted customer care service.  In order to assist you in accessing the service best suited to your agenda, please listen carefully to the following messages.

If you are a member of the Maltese Labour Party or of our ‘friends of friends’ club, please press 1 for our premium service and then follow the directions as listed.

If you are not a member, please press 2 and wait for one of our operatives to respond – this may take a while as we are currently receiving a large of volume of calls from party members.

If you are a member of any other Maltese political party, please press 3 and immediately hang up.  

If you are a corporate entity, please contact the Prime Minister’s Office directly.

For our general services, please choose from the following options:

• If you need immediate access to a planning permit or to have a planning decision overturned, please press 4. Calls are processed in strict rotation, from the largest donors to ‘friends of friends’ club members to marginal constituencies to family and friends’ networks.
• For those living or operating in Gozo, please contact any of our Gozo Ministry representatives directly for a more personalised and tailor-made service.
• Press 5 if you require any of the following – a new ID card for you or someone else, a disability pension, the transfer of penalty points to a tourist’s licence, a priority medical procedure, or a ‘work-optional’ government job. Please note that some of these services may require the payment of an additional contractor ‘processing’ fee as third-party entities are routinely involved.  Please also note that cheques or normal bank transfers cannot be used for any of these ‘unique to Malta’ services.
• For advice or assistance with complex overseas financial or banking opportunities and personal pension planning, please press 6. This service is offered in partnership with our Azerbaijani, Swiss and Dubai associates. Clients are advised that this premium cost-linked service will also involve approved Maltese intermediaries.

In Malta we offer a dynamic and evolving governance response to changing contexts.  If you need access to the latest appointments, promotions or demotions, please press 7.  If you access our specialist website, www.titanicdeckchairs.com you can learn who’s in, who’s out, who’s hot, who’s not and you can get an informed insight in ‘real-time’ into the dynamic of Maltese politics.

By pressing 8, you can hear our Prime Minister’s speeches on any topic you wish from A to Z.  Particular highlights to listen out for are his insights on the environment, leadership, governance, legal complexities, managing uniformed services, the role of the media and migration.  We also recommend his personalised tips on navigation, weekend getaways, on enjoying Ragusa, on flip flops and on looking firm and resolute.

For information on our health services, please press 9 and you will then be transferred to our legal services, to various court jurisdictions in Europe, the US and beyond and to a host of investment opportunities locally and abroad.  

You may also wish to access the services and expertise of a range of consultants well versed in the intricacies of international healthcare provision.

Press 10 for access to our rapid response archive where you will find a host of instant retorts and responses should you need to reply to those who would denigrate or criticise our values, our vision, our performance, our leadership and our plans for the future.  

Here you will find insults and quickfire put-downs for Nationalist Party members, environmentalists, human rights activists, radical church elements, journalists, foreigners and those elements who would drag Malta backwards.

Please note that data protection rules and protocols preclude us from identifying the companies, individuals and overseas interests that have made these unique services available.