At some point in our lives we will find ourselves on the receiving or giving end of criticism. No one likes criticism - it can be hurtful, it is usually regarded as a put-down, it can be a source of anxiety and tension and, almost always, it is taken personally.

"I am telling you this for your own good", "You know me, I speak my mind - I say it how it is", "I prefer the direct approach".

Unfortunately, there are people who favour this approach leaving in their wake bruised and severely shaken self-confidence, hurt feelings and friendships that may never be restored.

There is a great difference between being blunt and hurtful and being tactful and constructive. The importance is knowing the difference and applying it. Tact and diplomacy are the oil of human relations, and should be used when criticising or correcting.

The first thing to acknowledge when giving criticism is to criticise the behaviour and not the person. Handling criticism effectively is practising good human relations - it allows you to develop expertise in tackling difficult situations, to be a more effective leader, to encourage people to like and respect you, to increase your influence and, above all, to be a better person.

Receiving criticism

We do not enjoy being corrected, mainly because we hate being wrong! It is perceived as being worse if the criticism is being given as a `put-down` or in an aggressive manner. As the receiver, we become defensive and angry.

Unfortunately, we take unfair criticism to heart; we do not react and therefore damage our self-confidence and create a build-up of anger and resentment which will grow unless we do something about it.

Many people then end up reacting aggressively to a situation, making things worse. By following a few steps, we may find it helpful when dealing with criticism and become more assertive in our responses.

Listen carefully

Listen carefully to what is being said so you can focus on the reason behind the correction. Don`t shut off because you are now feeling defensive. Just relax, and listen.

Ask yourself - is the criticism being given in an aggressive manner? Is your behaviour being corrected or are you being corrected? How are you feeling about this?

Understand the criticism

By really listening to what is being said you will understand why the criticism is being given and this will allow you to address it. If you have not fully understood what is being said to you and why, ask for clarification!

If you are still not happy with the clarification given, ask other people what they think. Get different opinions and perspectives.

Take time to consider

As you listen to what is being said, breathe deeply and do not react immediately. Ask yourself - is the criticism true, partly true or completely incorrect? Put your thoughts together and then respond in an assertive and positive manner.

The criticism is true

If the criticism is true you can:

¤ Agree with it - "Yes, you are quite right, I forgot to";

¤ Explain how you feel about the situation - "I feel terrible about this";

¤ Ask why it matters and then where and how you can move on from here to correct the situation. Change the behaviour!

Partly true criticism

If the criticism is partly true you can:

¤ Agree only with the part of the criticism that is true and deny the part that is not true;

¤ Say how you are feeling - "I agree with... being true, but I am hurt that you feel ... is also true".

¤ Ask for clarification about the part that is not true.

Untrue criticism

If the criticism is completely untrue you can:

¤ Reject the criticism, challenge it.

¤ Add your own positive thoughts and also state how you are feeling

¤ Ask for clarification about the behaviour being challenged.

Giving criticism

Does anyone really enjoy correcting others? Why not? Is it because we are afraid that it will affect our relationship with that person? Being aware of our own faults, and also how we correct them on ourselves, should help us to be able to provide just criticism to others.

When you see incorrect behaviour happening, don`t wait to correct it or it could get worse. Address it immediately! Make sure you are doing this with all the right intentions. Criticism should be constructive and it needs to be used to make things better, to encourage people to change and to boost morale and develop confidence.

Be specific and prepared

"Deliver your words not by number, but by weight" - proverb. Know what you are going to say, how you are going to say it and why it has to be said. Have all your facts ready. Identify the behaviour that needs to be corrected and use specific words and avoid generalisations. Rather than "You are a hopeless manager!" perhaps use "You`ve overspent your budget three times this year; can we discuss why?"

Acknowledge the positive

If you can include a genuine compliment, do so. Try and empathise with the other person`s emotions and feelings. Try "I realise that what I am going to say may be disappointing for you to hear, however, I feel this is an issue that we need to address immediately." Keep to the point and don`t get sidetracked. Criticise the behaviour.

Say how you`re feeling

Tell the person how this has made you feel, but keep calm, keep your voice level and avoid any threatening gestures. Say what you would like to see change and how you would like to move forward. Let them know you are willing to help them work out a joint solution - together. Summarise what you have agreed and set a target date.

Keep in mind that everyone has the right to accept or reject the criticism. We all have the right to be the judge of our own behaviour. Once the criticism has been dealt with, don`t dwell on it or refer to it again - unless it is the same behaviour being corrected.

Try and conclude your session by providing genuine feedback on the positive aspects of the person`s behaviour.

A little compliment will not detract from the correction or criticism, but will go a long way to ensure that that person`s self-confidence has not been damaged.

It will also help them to receive the criticism in the manner it was intended - to build and encourage better behaviour.

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