As parents, do we put enough emphasis on good behaviour, or are we so hung up on educational success and providing for our children that morals get left behind, asks Deana Luchia.

Morals, manners, values, virtues… call them what you will, but children learn these important codes primarily from their parents. Yet spend time at any children’s park or party and it can seem that some parents seem to have abdicated all responsibility for passing on any moral codes – boasting about exam marks and the cost of an X-box, while their children hit out, use foul language, push in front of other children, or have tantrums the very second something doesn’t go their way.

Knowing how to be good is a priceless gift, one that lasts our whole life

For some adults, of course, good behaviour is something that doesn’t hold any currency. There are parents who simply don’t care whether or not their children are sympathetic, kind, generous and patient human beings.

And there are those parents who want their children to be well-behaved but can’t be bothered to put in the work this requires, hoping instead that their offspring pick up morals from school or by regularly attending church.

Others simply hope that their children will outgrow bad behaviour, failing to understand that those who get away with no manners at three and four are just as likely to try to do the same as adults.

The fact is, we all want our children to live in a safe and harmonious society, yet this can only happen if every parent ensures that children know right from wrong.

But what behaviours should we try and pass on? When discussing this topic with friends – all parents – each of them described different values – being responsible, being kind, thinking of others first, being generous, humble and honest, being polite – yet, in short, everyone’s principles boil down to the same thing – that seemingly old-fashioned (but still crucially important) concept of being decent.

The value I try hardest to instil in my children is kindness – hugely underrated as a virtue, yet kind people are not only usually really happy in themselves, but they make life easier for everyone they come into contact with. Kind people make for a much better society. Who wouldn’t want to pass on that skill to their children?

For psychologist Fiona Ambery and her husband Richard the most important value they aim to pass on to their three daughters, is: “Do as you would be done by.”

“It covers pretty much all aspects of behaviour (be honest, don’t be violent etc.) and provides a moral code to try and live by,” explains Fiona.

“The thing I try to emphasise is that you shouldn’t treat others the way they treat you – you should treat them the way you would like to be treated, regardless of how they behave. “I started from a very early age, always trying to point out that ‘you wouldn’t like it if it was being done to you, so don’t do it’. I’ve also tried hard to make sure they apologise if they behave badly towards someone else and have always maintained that if you have done something bad, you make it 10 times worse if you lie about it to try and get out of trouble.

“I also think we don’t emphasise honesty enough and also need to make our children take responsibility for their actions, good or bad. We seem to be more concerned with material things and how our children look than how they behave.”

For Sue McKenzie-Stewart, the most important value she tried to teach her daughter, Morag, was: “Treating people how you yourself want to be treated. I did wonder how to instil life values and morals, especially as a very new mum, with no handbook, but believe it or not, it came so naturally: I smiled, Morag smiled, I played, Morag played, and we just carried on from there. It was no different when it came to teaching her values.”

For Jane Dennis, mum of two, the most crucial values are: “Good manners, a sense of fairness, the idea that people are more important than things. I teach them that real life is about enjoying yourself with those you want to be with. It’s not about having stuff.”

All agree that parents have to teach by example. “I think children learn more from our dealings with others than by any other means,” says Richard Ambery.

“It’s an enormous responsibility, but we have to appreciate that our children will observe our relationships with our friends, parents, siblings and most of all their other parent very closely. Still, I’m not saying we should all try to be saints. There’s an equal risk that our children could learn to become victims and be filled with resentment if it’s not clear that we love ourselves and care for our own lives. We have to teach them we can be assertive without being aggressive, by setting appropriate boundaries.”

Most of us are thankful for any moral guidance our own parents gave us. It’s what made us who we are today.

Knowing how to be good is a priceless gift, one that lasts our whole life.