Communicating has never been easier. Gadgets, apps and tools offer us various platforms on which to communicate – we are so dependent on these tools that we find it hard to imagine a present, or future, without e-mail, mobiles and social media.

Yet surprisingly, and maybe a bit ironically, studies repeatedly highlight reduced levels of social connectedness and belongingness and escalating numbers in depression and social isolation.

How can it be that in an age when communication has never been easier, people seem to have lost their ability to communicate?

Think of a river, flowing effortlessly as it carries litres of water from remote places across countries. Without the canal, the water scatters aimlessly and would flow without direction or containment.

The canal gives it purpose and route. The dynamic of communication is akin to water in a river. Conversations, which are the basis of communication, require a canal to give them purpose and meaning. The conversations and communication are the water in the river. The canal is the relationships that sustain communication.

This metaphor suggests that communication cannot exist without a relationship.

A father or mother cannot expect their young daughter to confide in them during her teenage years if they were not available for conversations earlier in life.

Lack of communication in the family is a common complaint. It is not unusual for parents to be anxious about not knowing enough about their children’s experiences. As their curiosities remain unanswered, the parents’ need to protect their children becomes jeopardised and this leads them to becoming more insistent about monitoring their offsprings’ lives.

It is a troubling thought for many parents to see their children’s avoidance to communicate with them about petty matters, let alone issues which could potentially be more serious.

Is my daughter in a relationship? Is my son using drugs? Being aware of what their children are up to equips parents with important information to take action and prevent undesirable consequences. But the first step is to lead children or young adults to actually talk to their parents.

In an age when communication has never been easier, people seem to have lost their ability to communicate

So why do children choose not to talk to their parents? Clearly this is a hard question to answer definitively, mainly because different people will have different reasons.

We can only hypothesise from experience and available literature that the absence of a relationship is a leading factor to the breakdown of communication.

Put simply, we cannot expect a 16-year-old girl to confide in a parent about being raped, if she does not feel that her mother and father are available for her, to name but one context.

The perception of availability is developed earlier in childhood, as children begin to make meaning of their surroundings and develop their sense of awareness and self-awareness. An absent parent may lead children to develop a sense of worthlessness and therefore learn that society around them will not be attentive to their needs as they are not important.

Conversely, parents who invest regular and consistent quality time and attention in being available for their children, are effectively teaching the child that there is someone who is interested.

This imparts a sense of security which is conducive of a good quality relationship. The child begins to seek contact with the parent as it feels good.

Research in this area is generally focused on experience of abuse. Most investigations have focused on identifying factors which augment the chances of children to disclose abuse with their adult care givers.

Findings strongly suggest that children are more likely to disclose an episode of abuse if they perceive that parent as available, supportive and non-judgemental. These outcomes enforce the idea that a child or young adult will engage in meaningful conversations with adults if they feel that there is a positive and secure relationship to contain such conversations.

If the child expects judgement and anguish out of the parent, then it is a fair expectation that the child would avoid communication with the parent.

So become the parent that your child would want to talk to. Invest in a regular space with your child at a young age, where you discuss everything.

Conversations need not be focused on the sour experiences of life – rather, allow a free flow of conversation that considers everything from bullying to how good breakfast was. Still, this will not guarantee that your child will always choose you as a confidante or as a mentor in life.

Naturally, young adults will tend to separate slowly from their parents and seek ideas from peers. However, your children will still look at you as a valuable source of advice, support and comfort, if their experience of you as a young child confers security, love and respect.

• Steve Libreri is a parent coach and senior social worker with Willingness Malta. He will be leading a workshop entitled ‘My children don’t speak to me’ on May 30 at 6pm, at Razzett l-Antik in Qormi. This workshop is one in the series of Parentopedia workshops organised by Willingness Malta and supported by Times of Malta. For more information, visit the Parentopedia page on Facebook.