When I ask managers, executives and bosses what topic would interest them, I almost always get: ‘How to deal with difficult members of staff’.

Dealing with people with normal behaviour is already difficult. Having to deal with difficult people is even more complex- Fr Alfred Darmanin, SJ

When I ask the same question to employees, they quickly reply: ‘How to deal with difficult bosses!’

Dealing with people with normal behaviour is already difficult. Having to deal with difficult people is even more complex. Difficult people do not exist in reality. People with difficult behaviour do. These take a large part of the time and energy of their bosses.

In this article, I shall limit myself to describing specific types of difficult behaviour, some of which may border on the psycho-pathological. I shall first identify the various types of such behaviours, try to understand their underlying causes and suggest appropriate remedies on how to deal with them. The aim is not to learn how to change a personality, or to take on the role of a psychologist or a brain surgeon, but learning how to cope rather than cure.

The aggressive type (the bully) – you recognise these types through their symptoms: their need to prove to themselves and others that they are always right, belittling others as a way of creating a sense of self-importance and superiority; they also want to be in control and to wield power. Hence, their own weaknesses are projected onto the other person. Their behaviour is motivated by their fear and feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem and insecurity.

In dealing with these types, one should be careful not to fulfil the bully’s expectations due to fear. Refuse to give in. These people are used to getting their way when becoming insolent. Instead, stand up to the bully and they will eventually become your friend.

Get them to sit down. People behave less aggressively when seated. So confront the bully and make a clear, unemotional statement of fact.

The victim (martyr type) – these types follow a habitual pattern of playing a victim role. They do this to get sympathy, attention and appreciation from colleagues and bosses. Basically, they operate out of a need to please, to be liked and accepted. It’s their way of having control over others in a subtle form of manipulation. Thus, they try to trigger guilt feelings in others, making them feel bad.

First of all, one needs to realise that this type is playing a psychological game. Help them become aware that they don’t need to play games to get attention, affection and appreciation.

Grumblers or moaners – these types are also known as complainers, whiners, negativists. Whatever you do with them is useless because they always have a ‘but’. When they come to your office they spend hours complaining how overworked they are and they cannot cope any longer.

Instead of solving problems, they grumble because they find themselves powerless and out of control. They are self-righteous, so by grumbling they appear to themselves as blameless, innocent and perfect. They also feel the need to validate their deeply-held concepts like ‘Don’t I have the right to take offence?’

When coping with grumblers be careful not to give immediate solutions to problems... they will explain why it won’t work (‘yes, but...’). Break their self-confirming cycle of passivity and insist on a problem-solving perspective. Ask them to put their complaints in writing, give them a deadline and follow it up.

If it’s a complaint against a third person X, ask them: “What should and can we do about X?”

The too-nice type – these types need to be liked or accepted by everyone all the time. Hence they make others feel liked and approved of (‘yes men’). Whatever you want from them you will get until you need some action or commitment.

With these types, make honesty non-threatening. Also, be personal: see them as people rather than as roles or tasks. Don’t accept unrealistic commitments. Help them be assertive and learn how to say no without feeling guilty.

The silent/timid type – there are various types of silent behaviour: indifference, blockage, introversion, passive aggressiveness. To help you identify which type, it’s good to know one’s character, context and body language. These types learn to remain silent because of negative experiences in speaking up.

Be careful not to lose your temper with these people, nor in any way be threatening, insult or belittle them. If they exceptionally open up, don’t correct them immediately. Use active listening and empathy to help them open up more.

The passive/aggressive type – this is manifested in various behaviour: banging doors, putting things off, refusing to co-operate, underperform, lose things, conveniently forget, pretend not to understand or miss appointments. They do this to hide their anger which cannot be openly expressed directly, or even as an indirect form of control.

Don’t assume that when they say “yes” they mean it. Encourage them not to play psychological games and show them it’s not effective. Get agreements in writing. Give a deadline. Check progress made. Stress the consequences of not performing.