The Agent Charlie Reports are part of a new fiction initiative by Times of Malta.
Brief: My mission among the Big People [Natives] is going well.
My arrival was smooth. Earlier than anticipated but I kept my cool.
My cuteness is intensifying.
Food: There’s a Caramel Moon which feeds me. When I’m hungry I can change my face from Little Angel to Purple-Cheeked Hunger Monster in seconds. I draw in breath and make little wheezing sounds which enchant nearby Natives. If there are no nearby Natives I escalate my signal to screams.
The Natives only eat three times a day, which demonstrates their inferiority. I have decided to show them how to eat ten times a day.
I have gained over 600 grams since my arrival.
So far so good. No one suspects I’m in charge.
Sleep: The Natives only sleep once a night, so I am teaching them to sleep five times a night. The training is arduous, but in the long run they will benefit.
Contact: The Natives are well versed in the Galactic Language of Hugs. I like being stroked on the head, arms and cheek. I reward the Caramel Moon by patting her.
There is a ‘Bristly’ Native who dances with me and plays me samples of Terrestrial Music. This afternoon Bristles held me up in the air and rotated me during the crescendo of Also Sprach Zaruthustra.
Afterwards he whispered, ‘One day you’ll understand.’
Recycling: My analysis of the Milk from Caramel Moon is encouraging. It is plentiful and highly nutritious, and beneficial to my immune system.
As a reward, I convert the milk to a new element which the Natives wrap up and take away to their labs for further analysis. I make sure the Natives are aware of its importance by screaming during its manufacture, delivery and retrieval.
Cleaning: Outstanding. I have tried to reward Bristles with a sample from The Golden Stream, but my Distributor isn’t powerful enough. Yet.
Summary:
So far so good.
No one suspects I’m in charge.
Stay tuned for the next instalment of the Agent Charlie reports, edited by Peter Flynn, next week.
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