Editor’s Note: I told Charlie not to let his birthday go to his head: ‘Drop the car keys, no more beer, you're only a month old.’ The next day, I found an unusual message in my computer. Turns out Charlie can touch type...
Weapon-Testing: Today, I peed on my face. Native ‘Smooth’ cooed as she cleaned my eyes; she looked tired so I shouted at her.
Her training is going well.
Bristles laughed at Smooth. I waited for him to put on a new nappy before I fired off a torpedo. Smooth laughed; Bristles took a deep breath and clenched his fists.
His training is going well.
Health: My recent torpedoes have been green. As my body is small it can be painful expelling processed milk. Bristles looked at my face as I was straining and said, ‘Isn’t it amazing how babies look like Winston Churchill?’
One day I will vomit on his best shirt.
Moon-Feeding Clinic: Smooth and Bristles took me to a white building where Natives go to share diseases. When we reached the Moon-Feeding Clinic, I saw other Agents being taken into a room, stripped and weighed.
Smooth sat with me in the clinic. I shouted at her and she gave me the Caramel Moon. At one point there were five fellow Agents drinking together. They were given Coconut Moons, Pink Moons and even a Midnight Moon.
No one shared.
Isn’t it amazing how babies look like Winston Churchill?
Sleep: Nocturnal training continues. The more I wake the Natives at night, the more efficiently they function the next day. Enhanced abilities include driving to work and operating heavy machinery in an unconscious state.
I call this being ‘Wide Asleep.’
Dancing: This morning, Bristles put me on his arm and danced to Blue Suede Shoes.
His rhythm was counter to that of the song. He sang, too. I cried.
Gambling: The Natives are teaching me to play poker. Bristles and Smooth deal me in and then assess at the end of the hand which of us has won. They only know Texas Hold ‘Em, their bluffing strategies are basic and they owe me €260.
Summary:
So far so good.
No one suspects I’m in charge.
Stay tuned for the next instalment of the Agent Charlie reports, edited by Peter Flynn, next week.
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