Weapon Test: As I’m lying in my striped pajamas, Bristles appears overhead.

‘Nee nar, nee nar,’ he says. ‘Nee nar.’

I blink up at him.

‘Poo Police,’ he says. ‘There’s been a report of an incident.’

As he’s changing my nappy, I yawn.

‘Oh you’re so cute…’ he says, and bends over to rub noses with me.

I let go. It wasn’t his best shirt, but it’ll do.

First bath: I’m naked! Smooth lowers me into a plastic mouth and washes me with warm water. Heaven!

Body mass: I like being plump. My chins have increased to support my head and my limbs are chubby and pink. Sometimes they wave around.

‘It’s like he’s conducting an orchestra,’ says Bristles.

‘Look at those dimples!’ says Smooth.

There are ten worms at the end of my upper limbs. They taste good. Sometimes they wriggle. When I’m unhappy they scratch my face: I’m not sure what they’re for.

I can’t eat while he’s watching me…

Velocity: I discover that Smooth is training to run 42 kilometres to help other Agents. I’m proud of her. I smile while she sings me Eurovision songs.

Nutrition: The Natives have put me in a bouncy chair while they eat fragrant steak.

Bristles: ‘He’s watching me’.

Smooth: ‘Come on, he can only see up to ten inches.’

Bristles: ‘I can’t eat while he’s watching me…’

Communication: My crying is improving. The Natives finished their steak in seven seconds. Record!

Sleep: At 3am, Bristles takes me over to a big window overlooking the harbour. As he looks out across the water his voice is quiet and calm:

‘Charlie, this is called ‘night’.

He pauses, rubbing his puffy eyes.

‘It’s where people sleep.

I realise that Bristles has ‘lost sleep’ and now he’s looking for it, in the harbour.

Mobility: Today, I turned over for the first time. Soon I will be more powerful than they can possibly imagine.

Summary:

So far so good.

No one suspects I’m in charge.

Stay tuned for the next instalment of the Agent Charlie reports, edited by Peter Flynn, next week.

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