Not long ago, I was invited to a meeting of a new NGO. The aim was to have a discussion on ways that could help children in Malta, especially those caught up in the acrimonious separation of their parents, be better off.
It was a long conversation. It was a heated one at times. But, at one point, the leader of the group asked for my opinion as to what needs to happen for this goal to be reached.
I still feel I need to reflect more on the subject to be able to answer this question, for I feel that the experience of children is beset by so many complexities in this field that I cannot really put my finger on the one thing that needs to change. The separation of families is almost always a hard experience. It is natural for the people undergoing this process to manifest anger, sadness, anxiety and frustration.
When you are losing someone dear to you, or someone you are comfortable with, it is natural to feel bad and act in ways that are not customary to your character. Yet there are times when things go overboard.
Sometimes, separation is underpinned by more morbid realities of abuse and control. In these circumstances, the parents act more ruthlessly but this article is not about such cases.
What needs to be done for the children not to suffer as much during separation? I think this answer starts with each and every parent.
You are the adults in this story, and not your children. Without taking away any of the pain you are feeling, you must keep your children’s well-being in mind.
As mentioned earlier, it is normal to feel upset and downright desperate to see the world as you know it end. Separation usually defines a point in time where you must leave a comfort zone and start to rebuild your life from scratch. And that is scary.
Dividing things equitably, making decisions about custody and alimony and so on are tough decisions, and disagreements abound. But you should differentiate between your issues with your former partner and the relationship between your partner and the children.
You will probably look at your ex-partner as being ‘all bad’. But that is seldom the case. He or she might have disappointed you as a partner but he might still be a good parent.
The children have little opportunity to put things right in this context. Quite frankly, it is not even their job to keep things together.
My heart aches as I see case after case of children shouldering responsibility to manage the crisis in their family. And parents, too often beset by their own rage, fail to realise this burden on their kids.
Children should not choose between their parents and too often they do not want to, unless they are pressed by experience of abuse or parental influence. Therefore, I urge readers to reconnect with the love towards their children and realise that parents have an obligation to facilitate life for them and not stifle it.
Research indicates that children fare better when they can enjoy healthy relationships with both parents liberally and without conditions. But that can only happen with the good intent of both parents.
The courts and the social services can try to improve acrimonious contexts, but as the proverb goes, you can only take the horse to the water mill, but you cannot make it drink. You are at the watermill. Drink. Do it for your children.
Steve Libreri, director, Child Protection Directorate, Foundation for Social Welfare Services