Relationships are the basis of our society and, with the context of the COVID-19 situation, it is important to reflect on how to improve and safeguard our relationships for further growth.
Couples who experienced communication and connection difficulties prior to the COVID-19 situation may be at a greater risk for relational distress than those whose relationship was secure to begin with. Having said this, couples who were secure may still be negatively affected by this anomalous situation.
Couples may need to come together to face the ‘problem’ labelled as the COVID-19 storm. Together they must learn how to tackle this enemy and grow stronger.
It might be important for couples to ask themselves: “How am I feeling in my relationship with my partner? How has COVID-19 affected my relationship with my partner? How can I protect my relationship from the stressful context we are facing?”
Here are some suggestions to enhancing couple connection:
• Allow each other to grieve the losses and accept that you may grieve in different ways. Support your partner by empathising with him/her and being present. Grieving can be painful and it is also part of the journey towards acceptance as well as meaning-making.
• Talk with your partner and find a suitable routine for both. We cannot control when the COVID-19 storm will be over but we can control how we react to it. How can we learn to be each other’s shelter from the storm? Structuring the day helps to create a sense of normality, control and security. Teleworking may be quite invasive. Thus, couples need to discuss when work will begin and when their workday will end. Furthermore, it is helpful to come up with a mutually satisfying plan on how to deal with the housework and parenting. Finding the time to work out together may also be a bonding experience.
• Structuring some new healthy boundaries may be useful; it may be healthy for couples to be able to have separate individual time and do the things they love. Thus, respecting each other’s need for space may support a positive couple dynamic. The important thing is that couples communicate about this beforehand and set a time or come to an agreement on when this would be most feasible. New healthy boundaries with technology may also be pivotal to limit the influx on COVID-19 information.
As a couple, it is now even more crucial to tune in to your partner’s bids for connection and to outline a sense of appreciation
• As a couple, it is now even more crucial to tune in to your partner’s bids for connection and to outline a sense of appreciation. It is helpful to verbalise our appreciation and to be as specific as possible about what makes us feel grateful; no partner can read minds. We need to be able to communicate our needs in a transparent and sensible manner. Search for the good in your partner and create a ritual where you ask yourselves: “How can I make my relationship with my partner better today?”
• Conflict is normal in any couple relationship. The chances of conflict in stressful contexts tends to increase. Conflict per se can help couple relationships grow, yet it needs to be navigated in a constructive manner. It may be helpful to talk with your partner about what they need from you to calm down during a conflict and how the partners can support one another. An important tip is making sure you are listening to your partner, empathising and acknowledging his/her feelings. Moreover, avoid conflict in front of children as this can create more insecurity and uncertainty for them. Find a private room and the ideal time when you can talk.
• Schedule a date night at home. It is now the time to get creative about how to still find the time to be close. Ideas for date nights at home may include cooking together a new meal, having a picnic on the roof, watching a movie and so on. Dressing up for the date may make it feel more real and different to the usual home routine. Partners can also make it fun by choosing each other’s outfit. Being able to laugh together and at the situation may help to ease off some tension. Moreover, partners can come up with a list of open-ended questions on adventures, dreams, fears, happy moments and so on, where they can interview each other to increase the relational depth and connection.
• Couples dating from a distance may now be facing some different dilemmas. Basic key principles such as communication, boundaries and quality time remain crucial. These couples may set a Facetime date; this can include having breakfast, lunch or dinner together.
• Therapeutic support is still available. Should couples feel the need for more support during this phase, they may consider seeking online therapy. Thus, couples may come to understand more the strengths of the relationships and areas of concern as well as come up with more satisfying relationship patterns.
As the famous quote goes: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”
Dancing together as a couple requires communication, coordination, commitment, patience, hope and love. When partners unite, the chances are that they may become closer and stronger notwithstanding that they are going through this difficult storm.
Charlene Aquilina, Clinical psychologist and systemic family therapist