Being well and happy is not just about being cheerful, it is an elusive, precious feeling that we all desire. Two basic requirements that must be met for us to feel well and happy as human beings are the need for attention from those close to us and a sense of security and safety.

As research reveals, a lack of attention can lead to low self-esteem, feelings of loneliness and a lack of connection whereas anxiety will result from not feeling safe in our living spaces. This means that, as human beings, we need each other to be happy: we need to feel connected and secure. This is so essential to human life that scholars today speak about well-being literacy:  the ability of communicating intentionally about well-being, both one’s own and that of those around us.

Well-being literacy is more than just reading and writing; it necessitates vocabulary and knowledge, such that people can be articulate about the things that they value. This can be nurtured both at home and at school and transmits to the child the importance of being aware of oneself, one’s emotions and needs at any given moment.

Being ‘well-being literate’ means that we can use language to speak about what hurts us and what we hope and expect for ourselves and others. This includes being conscious of the fact that, apart from the words we use, our tone of voice and actions matter in how the recipients receive and make sense of our message.

In truth, the so-called soft skills are the glue that holds society together because we need each other to survive. Education systems must give them more importance in curricula for they are essential for a happy and healthy life. Indeed, these values lie at the heart of the meaning of education.

Moreover, as experts tell us, employers stand to gain much more when they hire based on applicants’ attitude rather than their technical knowledge and skills. Employees who have ‘soft skills’, or, as it is fashionable to put it, ‘a positive mindset’, are generally more eager to learn and also more able and willing to adjust to changes at the workplace.

Domestic violence and gender-based violence are everybody’s business because they attack the safety, mental health, quality of life and well-being of those receiving it. These are mostly, albeit not exclusively, women and girls.

As a society, we have become more aware of the negative and immediate impacts of gendered family violence, which happens at all levels of society, including in what everyone of us understands by ‘good homes’, and whose extreme expression is femicide.

We have witnessed yet another femicide these past days. Bernice Cassar was killed, allegedly by her estranged husband who then professed his love for his children on social media.

Words cannot express the excess that such a tragedy evokes in the human heart. And, yet, we need words to understand and inspire each other, to actively engage in making our society better, safer and more just.

Socialisation plays a vital role in our collective consciousness, in the formation of our reasoning, thinking and decision-making. Early childhood is often referred to as the critical period in human development because it is during these early years that the foundations of mind and personality are formed.

Children growing up in violence can internalise these behaviours as ‘the norm’- Audrey Friggieri

Children growing up in violence can internalise these behaviours as ‘the norm’ in the long term and professionals notice that their tolerance of violence in future relationships is much higher than those who were never exposed. This can affect both men, women and LGBTIQ+ individuals. People can grow up to automatically replicate behavioural patterns that they have been familiar with since childhood.

For example, research shows that women who grow up in violence will often enter violent relationships and leave and return to them sometimes many times before they make a final break. Often, they begin a new relationship with yet another person who uses violence.

Boys growing up in violence are equally affected. Unless there is holistic targeted intervention, the cycle will continue. We must support all people affected by gendered violence, the victims and those who use violence, at all stages of the cycle: when it is happening, when children are forming friendships, when teens are forming romantic relationships, when a woman is having her first child, when a man is about to become a dad, in sporting teams and at work.

There is no best approach and no magic wand. It will take intervention at all life stages to really make a change. The pandemic and lockdown measures worldwide have revealed the size of the monster and this has shocked everyone except those who work within the field of domestic abuse. Sadly, we were already aware of the ‘shadow pandemic’ that happens behind closed doors.

It is for this reason that the Commission on Gender-based Violence and Domestic Violence prioritises everyone’s involvement in understanding domestic abuse and educating the public on how to reach out and help our friend, family member or work colleague who may be trapped within an abusive relationship.

This includes employers, leaders and heads of entities who are key in spotting the signs of domestic abuse but do not know how to appropriately support their employees.

Communication is essential: ask people how they are feeling, giving them the opportunity to disclose. Believe what they tell you and do not judge. Engage in training on domestic abuse and its relation to the workplace. Implement a domestic abuse policy or incorporate domestic abuse into existing policies.

Call 179 if you or someone you know is going through domestic violence or gender-based violence. Call 112 in case of emergency. Call the Gender-based Domestic Violence Unit: 2294 2717/2777.

Audrey Friggieri is commissioner, Commission on gender-based violence and domestic violence.