No, just kidding; that would be unbelievably awful. Just imagine: “Right, well the first thing we have to do is put the kids right on Santa Claus, ‘Krismiss Farthair’ whatever… Now then Gianfranco and Tulip; sit on the floor cross legged… No it’s not dirty, Mummy made our lovely Filipina maid Carmelita give it a good Dyson-ing just 10 minutes ago. Now about ‘Krismiss Farthair’… It should be quite obvious to you two; after all you are seven and five, certainly old enough to grasp the fact that it would not be at all nice, or indeed woke, to expect a morbidly obese pensioner to slalom around the planet in an open sleigh. Braving northern hemisphere temperatures and southern hemisphere heatwaves. 

“To say nothing of the effect such extremes of weather conditions would have on both him and his attendant reindeers – and just think what it would do to all the goodies in the back of his sleigh. 

“Then there’s air pollution, climate change, and the environmental damage caused by the methane discharged by all those reindeer. And there is no way he could carry perishables: up north they would freeze and down south melt. So kids this year we’ll just forget everything you were lied to about Santa, right?”

There you go, in one fell swoop you have reduced your Christmas shopping spend to almost zero. And in so doing also polished your woke credentials. What’s not to like about that? Only everything, right? The Christmas spirit goes up – instead of down – the chimney before you’ve even hung one glittery bauble on the tree.

And when it comes to Christmas decorations it’s very important to sustain the woke theme. There is no way you can justify using a real spruce tree, it will have to be an artificial one, however much it goes against your good taste designing psyche. And of course no fairy lights – or any lights or that matter. If we are going to do woke, let’s do it properly – and saving electricity is certainly that.

Then there’s that annual dilemma: to send or not to send, Christmas cards, I mean. These days there is a much less expensive option: You must have seen them, those notices placed in the social pages just before Christmas that read: “Dr and Mrs Borg-Blankett will not be sending Christmas cards this year. Instead they will be making a generous donation to Save the Slug’.

Then of course Dr and Mrs Borg-Blankett forget all about rescuing slugs and blow the lot on a long weekend of fine dining and debauchery in a five-star hotel in Florence. But nobody sees that part of the bargain, so the good doctor and Mrs B-B retain their woke credentials in spite of their little deception. So no cards, save the cash for your Florence beano.

The great Christmas meal is another woke pitfall. To begin with how do you reconcile topping a turkey with maintaining one’s wokeness? Veganism is so in just now and so, so woke, which means meat eating is out. And all the vegetables just have to be organically grown, or at least claim to be so. That should ensure your festive meal meets all the right woke credentials while tasting terrible. Granny’s special recipe timpana must also get a woke makeover. No minced meat to offset the stodge of pasta – you’ll just have to be a bit more inventive. How about substituting mince with mashed-up insects? They tell me that’s going to be the next popular food fad. I await with baited breath the first batch of insect recipe books: Ant pie and other scrumptious six-legged delicacies. Jamie Oliver’s 100 ways to cook a cockroach. It’s coming, so be afraid… be very afraid. 

Even with all these woke good intentions, the whole thing could be blown dangerously off course if the male members of the household insist on cognac and cigars after the meal. Any booze is so unwoke, but double filtered water and cigars just doesn’t have the same ring to it somehow. And you can forget the cigars as well. Puffing away on a Cuban that’s been rolled on some highly insanitary thigh by some refugee from Haiti, who gets paid a dollar a decade for his labours, would have you thrown out of the “We are woke” club for ever.

And what are we going to do about gifts and still stay woke? The most extreme option is not to give or receive any at all. Or if you find that, despite that intention, some friends and relatives still buy you stuff like liqueur chocolates or fluorescent socks. Give everything away ostentatiously to some local charity – if you can find one desperate enough to accept fluorescent socks. You could also dodge the bullet by giving book tokens or gift vouchers. Just as long as they are woke, such as book tokens. You don’t want the recipient to go out and purchase an anthology of genocide or blow their voucher on some fossil fuel guzzling appliance like a space heater or even worse a charcoal-burning barbecue.

Your pursuit of wokeness may not be an easy route to a very merry Christmas, but just think how smug you’ll feel afterwards. 

No sod it, don’t take any notice of all the woke nonsense. You go on out and make sure you have a festive good time. Merry Christmas everyone… and Tiny Tim.