Anyone who knows me well enough would feel the need to check on my state of mental health if I were to be overly critical of England. English literature was my favourite subject at school.

I am thoroughly annoyed whenever the pseudo-patriots among us try to depict our English-speaking minority as a bunch of pretentious snobs.

English is one of our two official languages, guys.

As an MP, I once delivered a lengthy speech in parliament in English to drive this point home. I’m looking forward to my traditional ‘birthday trip’ to England, after a two-year hiatus. England has always been my family’s preferred holiday destination.

And, yes, I’m very fond of the queen. I had the privilege of meeting up with her and Prince Philip once and she comes across as being the lovable grandmotherly type, warm hearted and rather jovial. I am even one of the long-suffering cohort of Maltese football enthusiasts who sides with the English national team!

Don’t get me wrong. I am fiercely proud of Malta, with its unique language, culture and history. I tried to do my bit for the country whenever the occasion presented itself over the years. Loving another country and its culture does not make you a traitor.

I rarely find the time to read Revel Barker’s contributions to this paper. They are basically structured around a litany of moaning and one gets enough of that in a dentist’s clinic, without having to look out for it in your daily newspaper of choice too.

The photo accompanying his ‘If they can’t take the heat’ piece hooked me in, however. Charming Porthcurno has a lovely beach in the most beautiful part of England – Cornwall. The image stirred up some marvellous memories in me.

However, the article was, predictably and lamentably, yet another exercise in slanging the country in which he has settled – Malta. 

I smiled when he ended it by asking ‘who needs Malta?’ Since climate change is making England warmer, the Brits might as well opt for a ‘staycation’ rather than travel to this dirty, expensive rock – that was the premise he based that question on.

Well, it all depends on how you go about handling the heat, doesn’t it? Taking an English ‘staycation’ may mean that you’ll have to drink your cocktails in an inflatable pool in your own backyard, given that travelling in a country during the hotter months with roads melting, rails buckling in the heat and airport runways lifting will limit your mobility somewhat. Investment in proper infrastructure in many parts of the country is woefully lacking. 

You may have to resort to filling your pools with treated effluent- Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando

It might also not be advisable to swim in seas with levels of sewage contamination which have converted once-scenic beaches into cesspits. You may have to resort to filling your pools with treated effluent, of course.

And the head of your Environment Agency is telling you that you may even have to start getting used to drinking it. Antediluvian public waterworks, resulting in the loss of the equivalent of three-and-a-half Lake Windermeres per annum through leakages, lead to severe shortages during the drier periods.

Air conditioning in your sweltering residence may also be out of reach for most, given that one-fourth of the country is seriously considering not switching their heat on during the cold winter months due to exorbitant energy prices.

Energy prices have risen in the rest of Europe too, of course, but not to the same extent. Why? A national energy policy which could have been drafted by the village idiot.

Let me clarify that none of the above provided me with sufficient reason to spend the past hour writing this article. Barker’s assertion that heating bills will rise this winter because ‘England, a land built on coal, cannot access the stuff any longer on instructions from a child called Greta’ tipped the scales in that direction. He made this ridiculous remark in ‘The handcarts are already rolling’, another one of his rants.

It also made me realise just how right I always was to avoid wasting my time reading his articles.

Claiming that the genuine suffering that a sizable percentage of British families will have to go through as a result of skyrocketing household energy bills is because coal – one of the main causes of the climate change which is having devastating effects on the country – can’t be used anymore because of Greta Thunberg borders on the imbecilic.

Had we heeded this ‘child’s’ warnings, our children might be looking forward to a brighter future. English children might not be facing the grim prospect of drinking refined sewage and bathing in feculence.

But, then, good old Revel would have less to moan about – wouldn’t he?

Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando is executive chairman, Malta Council for Science and Technology.