Couples who were doing fine before COVID-19, and have now decided they should separate, should give the relationship a second chance, a sex therapist advises, following reports of a substantial increase in marital breakdowns during lockdown.
It could be a knee-jerk reaction to the anxiety caused by sudden changes over a short period of time, Matthew Bartolo, founder of Sex Clinic Malta, maintained. These couples could be looking at reducing stress, and their relationship seems to be the safest thing to get rid of.
“When we feel we have too much on our plate, we start looking at what to take off. But giving it a few months may show it is the stress that is making couples feel the relationship is not working, and not the relationship itself.”
However, he continued, if things were better before the pandemic, it could be that the couple has realised the relationship cannot stand alone – without the distraction of working overtime and being away from each other. In this case, COVID-19 may have helped them realise they would be better off apart.
Bartolo was commenting on the findings of a survey by Sex Clinic Malta, carried out during the height of the pandemic at the end of April, which asked over 1,200 respondents about their relationship, sex life and physical health.
It showed double the number of couples refraining from sex, rising to 32 per cent, and that during partial lockdown, couples were also spending less time being intimate.
Unfortunately, most tend to let their anxiety out on loved ones
An analysis of the data to understand why this happened is pointing to the fact that isolated families did not have any members to take care of their children at least one night a week.
“Most couples could not leave their kids with their grandparents and this had an effect on adult time,” Bartolo pointed out.
Heightened levels of anxiety and stress due to no end date to the uncertainty and instability they were experiencing also played a part.
Meanwhile, COVID-19 wiped out coping strategies used to de-stress, such as going to the gym, meeting friends for a coffee, or alone time. Exercise took a back seat, with anxiety causing more exhaustion.
Most adults had developed rituals to ‘de-role’ from work to being parents, lovers and partners. Singing to music on the way home, or stopping at the supermarket were taken for granted, but they helped to switch from being an employee to a home manager. There was no more transition period during the pandemic, and every role revolved around the dining table.
“Unfortunately, most tend to let their anxiety out on loved ones, especially if they are the only other adults they are in contact with. Couples were lashing out at each other, and most report having felt locked in with someone they wanted to run away from – not necessarily literally,” Bartolo believed.
“As much as we tell partners to invest in couple time, it is vital for any relationship that individuals have time away.
“Pre-COVID-19, we used to tell them to schedule time with each other because most had built a lifestyle that was not conducive to fostering a healthy relationship. During COVID-19, we found ourselves telling them to allocate time away from each other because a relationship functions best when there is a struggle between ‘us time’ and ‘me time’.”
Sex therapists say it is that same struggle that makes the person crave quality time together, and ideally, this role alternates between the two: “If it is always the same person pushing for this, they tend to grow resentful and distance themselves from what is causing them to feel rejected.”