However hard parents try, society contributes a lot to the divide between boys and girls. From a young age, our sometimes-subtle differences are amplified and almost solidified into lists of everything we should be to conform to our supposed gender norms. Girls can be emotional, even though they’ll be punished for being “too much” later on in life; boys, on the other hand, are expected to suck everything up and deal with it.
I’m not even 40 years old yet and my childhood was littered with phrases like “boys don’t cry” and “be a real man”. Even if you go on Google now and search for men and tears, you’d be forgiven for thinking that men are born without tear ducts when you see questions like: “Is it important for men to cry?” and “Is it true that real men cry?”
It’s incredible that these questions are still being asked when the real question is: “If men are unable to show emotion, where do their tears go when their life becomes unmanageable like everyone else’s?” Tragically, it would seem that we have a partial answer for this in the horrific suicide rates published internationally and locally. In an article that came out this week, it was reported that, between January 2017 and last September, there were 142 suicides registered in Malta and Gozo.
Why should anyone suffer alone to feel like they can fit in with what is expected of their gender?- Anna Marie Galea
These numbers were presented and broken down by the Minister for Home Affairs, Security, Reforms, and Equality Byron Camilleri in answer to a parliamentary question by Paula Mifsud Bonnici and the results were extremely sobering. Out of the 25 cases reported in 2017, 20 involved men, with similar numbers coming up every single year since. This year is also proving to be no exception, with 19 cases reported till September, 16 involving men.
Looking at these numbers, it’s very hard not to blame a system that has methodically made it impossible for men to feel like they can share their feelings without being labelled as soft or less masculine. And this doesn’t just come from other men but from women too.
I was reminded of this last week over a beer with a friend when he told me that, when he meets women, he feels like he needs to play a part because there always seem to be a lot of expectations of who and what a man should be. He said that the pressure he felt was immense and he wasn’t always sure what to do with what he felt. I am reminded of these kinds of conversations when people act like mental health doesn’t matter. Why should anyone suffer alone to feel like they can fit in with what is expected of their gender?
They say that charity begins at home and it’s no different when it comes to dismantling societal constructs. Talk to your boys about their feelings and allow them the space to open up. Encourage kindness in its various forms. Tears are not a sign of fragility but of sadness and, last time I checked, everyone feels miserable at one point or another. If we do not build up our boys to identify and process their feelings, we open them up to the possibility of life breaking them more easily. Asking for help is not a weakness; it is a strength.