Chris and Maria Spiteri Blanco lost their daughter hours before she was born. They tell Mark Laurence Zammit all about it.

In Chris and Maria’s home, there is sometimes an eery silence. Their biggest wish – to become parents – was shattered by a stillbirth which rocked them to the core.

A black urn sits prominently on a table in their home. It contains the ashes of Emily Jane, who never got to see the world.

A majestic grand piano sits in one corner of the living room, surrounded by a violoncello and other musical instruments. All of them have been silent for weeks. Maria has not had the energy to play.

“I felt a great sense of failure because I did not deliver and for a long time I felt ashamed,” she said.

“You know... a pregnant woman is supposed to deliver a baby, alive, and I didn’t. And I kept apologising to Chris and both our families.”

Chris and Maria entertain people. She is a professional pianist and Chris – an actor and comedian – has made thousands of people laugh on the popular satirical show Bla Kondixin.

The couple got married last year and when they found out she was pregnant, they were very excited. They had been longing to become parents for a while.

‘I felt less movement’

It was a normal, smooth pregnancy. For nine months, medical tests consistently showed everything was fine with Maria and the baby and, when she was days away from her due date, the couple’s excitement “was at 150%”. It was last April.

Three days before she was meant to give birth, Maria noticed that the baby was not moving like she usually did.

“There was less movement and, at one point, I felt like she descended in my womb,” she recalled.

Maria was alone at home and decided to go to hospital to make sure everything was fine with the baby.

“I didn’t know at that point but she had already died,” Maria says with tears in her eyes.

“I believe that feeling in my womb was the moment she passed.”

‘My whole life stopped’

In hospital, the first test showed there was no heartbeat in the womb and the midwives performed an ultrasound, Maria said, just in case the first device used was not working properly that day.

“That’s when the doctor told me: ‘I’m afraid there’s no foetal heartbeat’. It was as if the world collapsed. My whole life stopped.”

Chris made it to hospital shortly afterwards, in disbelief.

“I looked at Maria and we both burst out crying,” he said.

“So many things start going through your head. You start to feel guilty and think if there was something we could do to save her.”

There was not. And there was nothing they could do to prevent the stillbirth either.

Since babies do not use their lungs to breathe while they are still in the womb, blood is bypassed from the lungs back into the circulation system through an opening in the heart. Once the baby is born and starts using its lung, the opening closes to allow enough blood to flow into the lungs and gather oxygen from the air.

In very rare cases – like in Emily Jane’s case – the opening closes before birth, causing the baby’s circulation to change drastically not allowing enough blood with oxygen from the mother to reach the other organs. In turn, the baby’s heart begins to pump harder, causing heart failure.

It happens randomly and there is no known way to prevent it.

Maria and Chris say the heartache is sometimes insufferable. And it took a toll on them knowing they were so close to bringing life into the world.

“Children are meant to bury their parents, not the other way round, no,” Chris said.

“For a long time after our stillbirth, I could not understand what was going on.”

“Why did the pregnancy have to run its full term only for the baby to be taken away from us at the last moment? These are the kind of questions you begin to ask yourself,” Maria said.

“The feeling was even worse when I had to walk through the maternity ward and pass by happy people holding flowers for their loved ones who had just given birth. It was like a walk of shame and it was traumatic.”

Shortly afterwards, Maria had to give birth normally to a lifeless baby.

“She was still warm and soft and I remember caressing her hands and fingers. I can still feel her in my hands,” Maria recalled.

“And she resembled me,” Chris adds with a little smile.

They say they want to give it another try but nothing will replace Emily Jane.

“She will always be our firstborn,” Maria said.

Giving meaning to Emily Jane’s death

But make no mistake, the couple don’t feel sorry for themselves. They decided to share their story because, after they cremated their daughter and held a service in her memory that was streamed online, they began to receive an extraordinary amount of messages from people who said they went through the same experience.

“We had no idea there were so many people out there like us and there is so little awareness about stillbirth. In many ways it is still a taboo,” Chris said.

“We will never forget we had a daughter who died before she was born but life goes on and we must make it go on, for her own sake.”

“So, we want Emily Jane’s story to help people out there who are going through the same ordeal,” Maria added.

“We want to give meaning to our daughter’s passing by doing our best to help other people. This is helping us heal and we hope it helps many other people too.”

By the end of October, which also happened to be baby loss awareness month, the couple had raised €3,264. They hope to reach €5,000 to be able to set up a support group at Mater Dei Hospital in collaboration with international organisation Sands.

Their aim is to create information and comfort packs for families that go through a stillbirth, offer professional family therapy to couples and donate towards international research into stillbirths.

“The more money we raise, the more families we can help and the longer we can offer services,” Maria said.

They also have a Facebook page, called EmJay’s Hands.

‘Don’t tell parents their baby is in a better place’

Malta has a stillbirth rate of just over three per 1,000 births and is at par with the EU average. But there are still quite a few misconceptions about stillbirths.

Mater Dei bereavement midwife Sandra Castillo told Times of Malta one great misconception is that people sometimes think having a stillbirth is less painful than losing a child because the parents would not have had the time to get to know their child and form a bond with them.

“In reality, it is still the loss of a child – one you got to know and love during pregnancy – and the lack of memories and understanding is just as painful and even more frustrating,” she explained.

“The other misconception is that it is better not to mention the baby to the bereaved parents. In reality, even though parents may become emotional, acknowledging the baby’s existence is often more helpful.”

Castillo said another misconception is that getting pregnant again will heal all the parents’ grief.

“Often, it is a bittersweet journey filled with trepidation as the close approximation to their previous loss only manages to make them remember their loss even more,” she said.

In situations like these, people tend to tell parents things that are comforting, Castillo said, but these can be very distressing nonetheless.

“Telling them their babies are in a better place will not help them. Parents had a very good place prepared for them at home,” she said.

Mater Dei also houses the Bereavement and Support Midwifery Services, which offer practical and psychological support to couples who suffer a stillbirth.

“At all times, we do our utmost to provide parents with a secluded room separate from other pregnant mothers and newborn babies,” Castillo said.

This interview was conducted in July, a few weeks after the couple lost their daughter.