The Commission on Gender-Based-Violence and Domestic Violence is leading an online campaign to raise awareness and educate the public about what constitutes sexual abuse and violence and how these can be prevented and handled when they occur.

Sexual violence can occur on various levels and in different settings, not least in intimate relationships that, according to accounts by domestic violence survivors, start off as a perfect romance but somehow turn into a trap, or a nightmare, over time.

Research shows that an insidious way that erodes relationships is ‘gaslighting’,  where the ‘gaslighter’ tries to control and violate victims’ sense of reality, distorting their perceptions of everything, from minor details of everyday life to their partners’ entire biographies.

The term ‘gaslighting’ originated as the title of the 1944 film that tells the story of a young woman who is driven to believe that she is mentally ill through her husband’s manipulation. For example, he convinces her that she is wrong to believe that the lights are dimming, while he himself lowers the gas to the lights and, hence,  the title of the film.

Sexual ‘gaslighting’ is a form of psychological abuse, fundamentally about power, and it can involve physical sexual risk and harm.

In such a scenario, the gaslighter’s primary goal is to get their victim to doubt their sexual reality. In one study (Wahl, 2020) a participant had a partner who would ply her with alcohol until she got drunk, at which time he would engage in sexual behaviour that she would not normally consent to. 

The next morning, when it was physically obvious to her what had occurred, her partner would argue that she herself had wanted and asked for it.

A ‘gaslighter’ dismisses their partner’s feelings and, if the ‘gaslighting’ is a conscious behaviour, all the blame will be put on the victim.

If the latter argues, he or she may be blamed for wanting to cause trouble. Guilt is thus a powerful weapon in the manipulation.

Researchers have identified three main ‘gaslighting’ behaviours or ‘styles’: the ‘glamour’ gaslighter, who exercises control through flattery and gratification; the ‘good-guy’ gaslighter, who on the surface will appear to be interested in the partner’s well-being but giving support or encouragement is a subtle way to exercise control;  and ‘intimidator’ gaslighters, whose aggression is more overt, through harsh and frequent criticism or disapproval, which may cause feelings of despair and helplessness in their partners.

So, if it is all so horrible, why do victimised individuals stay in a toxic situation, people ask. Why do they take it? Have they no sense of self-worth? Maybe it is their fault after all!.

Judgement comes easy. It is loud, it is hurtful and, above all, it is insensitive and uninformed.

Belonging – feeling socially connected to others in a meaningful way – is a basic human motivation, similar to the need for food, scholars tell us. Thus, social rejection or exclusion causes alienation, damages self-esteem, deprives people of a sense of purpose in life and imbues them with feelings of helplessness (Riva et al., 2017).

The pain of exclusion is processed and experienced in similar ways to physical pain and chronic loneliness predicts damaging health effects. This can help us understand how human beings need to connect and belong might itself serve to exacerbate risk in harmful relationships, such as those involving intimate partner violence.

Individuals might remain in abusive relationships to regulate their sense of belonging and this makes safety measures such as IPV risk assessment and the introduction of a register for individuals with a history of domestic abuse and violence critical to prevent harm and save lives. 

Love is among the main reasons given by individuals in heterosexual and same-sex relationships for continuing or returning to relationships that are toxic and violent (Donovan et al., 2006; Donovan & Hester, 2010).

Individuals caught up in abusive webs in what they believe is a loving relationship experience contradictory messages from the perpetrator as proof of their love and commitment to them (Short et al., 2000; Murphy & Smith, 2010).

Regardless of sexuality and gender, abusive and violent relationships share similar practices of love, including strategic declarations and expressions of love by the perpetrator, especially at critical points in time, when the abused threatens to leave.

Different views or interpretations of the relationship lead both parties to engage in different behaviours: for example, intimate disclosure by an abusive partner can result in the victimised other actions to protect, defend and take care of them.

Yet, when intimate disclosure by the victimised partner occurs, the information is used by the perpetrator further control them.

People can remain in abusive relationships due to particular meanings that they bring to their relationships and often because of a sense of loyalty to and responsibility for the care of the perpetrator and the relationship.

In such a scenario, beliefs about loving and caring can themselves serve to sabotage the chances of the abused person’s seeing things for what they are and their agency to take necessary protective measures.

These phenomena constitute another aspect of emotional violence which are particularly difficult to recognise as such, due to the fact that they are not necessarily experienced negatively.

Accounts of those in same-sex relationships suggest that not all those who experience domestic violence may recognise it for what it is due to the impact of so-called ‘common sense' regarding domestic violence and practices of love.

Scholars argue that the public story about domestic violence that privileges physical violence is useful for the criminal justice system, where evidence is required, but this ‘common sense’ can also inadvertently obscure forms of domestic violence in relationships that are not physical but can be just as, if not more, devastating.

Call 179 if you or someone you know need help and support in cases of abusive relationships and domestic violence.

Call 112 in case of emergency.

Audrey Friggieri is the commissioner on gender-based violence and domestic violence.