This afternoon, billions of hardcore, casual and occasional football fans from every corner of the globe will tune into the sport’s biggest showpiece event.

I will, of course, be among those billions as France and Argentina fight it out to be crowned kings of Qatar, a country that probably should have never been awarded the World Cup but which has, to be fair, not done an altogether bad job of the actual hosting. *

However, I will be watching the game in a strange frame of mind because, and let’s be frank about this, I don’t really care who wins. In fact, in an ideal world, neither of them would.

Normally, when your own team hasn’t made the final (and England fans have had a considerable amount of practice at this) you find something that allows you to lend your allegiance to one of the finalists. Often you will just side with the underdogs, sometimes you might go by continent, or it might come down to something as trivial as which of the two countries gave you the better holiday. But, try as I might, I am yet to find a reason for wanting either France or Argentina to lift the trophy. And, my goodness, that is going to make this whole thing a bit dull.

On the one hand, I suppose it would be nice for a European country to emerge victorious. But with France reigning champions, with them having eliminated England and with the arrogant smirk on forward Kylian Mbappé’s face after Harry Kane missed his penalty still etched in my mind, I just can’t go there.

Then you have Argentina and Lionel Messi. And while I wouldn’t begrudge the little genius the one trophy he really craves, I am struggling to get past the fact that this is Argentina we are talking about, and how could I ever support a team whose Hand of God broke my 14-year-old heart and scarred me for life?

So, as you can see, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one with my only hope of salvation being a no-result.

Any chance of a giant sandstorm?

* Do I need to fly to Brussels to collect my bag of cash?

 

Three strikes and out?

Another tournament, another failure for England.

Yes, this may have been a more unlucky and possibly even undeserved early departure but it was still an early departure. England were more than a match for France on the day. Undeniably so. But it is France who are playing for back-to-back titles today while the English men’s team’s wait for success goes on and on.

I think it’s fair to say, when it comes to international football, the only real measure of success can be actually winning something. On that basis, Gareth Southgate has failed. Three tournaments, one final, one semi, one quarter. It isn’t a bad record. But it’s still not the victory that the quality of players at his disposal suggests is possible.

I think it’s fair to say, when it comes to international football, the only real measure of success can be actually winning something. On that basis, Southgate has failed

With the blindingly obvious exception of the game against the US, where all the old defensive habits resurfaced, Southgate did at least stick with an attacking formation. So, credit for that. But as soon as England faced opposition of the highest level, it was all over. Just as it was in 2018 and 2020 (2021).

Once again, in my opinion, it was his substitutions that proved he doesn’t have that final piece of the tactical jigsaw needed to take a team all the way. When France went 2-1 up it should have been the signal for a dramatic shake-up. Bring on the likes of James Maddison and Callum Wilson and really go for it. Yet Gareth stayed conservative.

Okay, one of his subs did win the penalty that Kane launched into orbit. But more aggressive, dynamic changes and a radical swap of formation may have given France something entirely different to think about for those last 15 to 20 minutes.

But the thing for me that proved Southgate isn’t truly up to the task was bringing on Jack Grealish for the last 90 seconds. Why? He should have been on the pitch before Kane’s missed penalty had landed. What was Grealish expected to do in a minute and a half, other than tell his teammates where he would be playing?

There were moments during England’s Qatar campaign when Southgate looked like he may have come of age. But, ultimately, despite having one of the best teams in the tournament, he came up short yet again. Will he still be in charge for Euro 24? Yes, he will. Partly because he still believes he has a win in him, partly because the FA loves his bouncy wokeness, but mostly because there aren’t any available, talented English managers to replace him.

How sad: now that England have the players they need, the managers have dried up.

 

A predictable disaster

Well, my semi-final predictions were, even by my magnificent standards, spectacularly wrong. As you will no doubt recall, for the first three games I went with Holland, Brazil and Portugal. So the football gods went with the exact opposite.

And what about England vs France? Well, I tried a little reverse psychology with that one, but the gods were wise to my shenanigans and allowed me to get that one − just that one − spot on.

Thanks gods, nice to know you haven’t forgotten about me.

 

A watching brief

This week, England player * James Maddison tweeted:

“Wasn’t sure if I was going to watch the rest of the World Cup after we were eliminated… but how can you turn down the opportunity to watch Leo Messi when he can still play to that level at the age of 35. Honestly astonishing.”

Is it only me who finds a dash of irony in the young man’s words?

Thanks to Mr Southgate, even before England were eliminated, the only thing the talented midfielder had been doing in Qatar was watching…

* I suspect you need to play some football to be considered a player.

 

E-mail: james@quizando.com

Twitter: @maltablade