January: Disgraced former prime minister Chuwseff Muscat calls for a mass turnout in Valletta in support of ousted Infrastructure Malta boss Frederick Azzopardi. Sadly, only two elderly ladies show up – and they thought they were there for a coffee morning.
PM Bobby vows to implement: “Every single one of the recommendations of the Daphne Caruana Galizia inquiry’s report… but not yet.”
In order to pay for the Malta Film Awards ceremony 2023, the government decides to mortgage Castille.
February: The overwhelming success of the government’s decision to massively inflate fines for using a mobile phone while driving is such that it has become their biggest source of revenue, netting them even more than their scheme to sell over-priced EU passports to dodgy Russian oligarchs.
In a vox pop at City Gate, out of the 150 people interviewed, 147 did not know who the Nationalist opposition party’s leader was.
Disgraced ex-accountants Bri’ Tonna and Karlo Cini form a dry-cleaning and laundry business to compete with Phoenicia, Portughese and Pilatus. Tarrifs: scanty briefs: €1, bedsheets: €5… banknotes: special prices.
March: A government internal memo contains the information that: “From now on, payments to Tagħna lkoll beneficiaries will no longer be made in brown
envelopes. As with the former black general rubbish bags… these envelopes will henceforth be transparent.”
PM Bobby again vows to implement all the recommendations of the Daphne Caruana Galizia inquiry’s report… as soon as he is ready to do so.
A platoon of FKNK (Federation for Hunting and ‘Conservation’) leaves for the Ukrainian front lines. They are waved off at MIA by a tearful Bobby.
April:
April 1: Euthanasia becomes law in Malta.
April 2: Every care home and home for the elderly in the Maltese islands suddenly reports 100 per cent vacancies.
The Malta Football Association advertises for a new manager for the national team. As well as having an impressive CV, the MFA stipulates: No gays need apply.
After pleading guilty to the murder of Daphne and being sentenced to 40 years each in prison, the Debono brothers again appeal the sentence… and are acquitted on a technicality and freed.
The parish priest of Marsaxlokk denies in court that he has blown his parishioners donations on pornography and vintage champagne: “Not true. Most of the champagne that I buy is bog standard Bollinger or Krug.”
May: PM Bobby denies that he has approached Vladimir Putin and asked him to please invade Malta, as the only possible way we could ever win the Eurovision Song Contest.
Since every spare piece of land in the Maltese islands has now been developed, the government announces that a man-made island is to be built in the sea between Malta and Gozo, to provide space for our developers to construct yet more skyscrapers and hideous jerry-built blocks of flats.
There is a chronic shortage of vegetables in the Maltese islands. Farmers are now changing to only cultivating weed. It seems that cannabis pays better than cabbages.
Following the notorious failure of Aaron Farrugia to answer a parliamentary question, any future attempt by a government minister to dodge replying to difficult queries by hiding in the toilet is to be referred to as “doing an aaron”.
June: The waiting lists for surgery at Mater Dei have now got so long that by the time 74 per cent of the patients awaiting procedures are called… the only ops they will qualify for are autopsies.
Finances have apparently got so bad within the PN that they have been forced to sell another 10 każini, NET TV, their Pietà HQ and Lawrence Gonzi.
In the most recent government reshuffle, Bobby, after trying and failing to find a foolproof ministry for Owen Bonnici, decides to invent a new one. Owen is now officially minister for standing up.
July: The authorities in the Indian state of Kerala are forced to close all their hospitals and health facilities, due to a complete lack of nurses. They have all gone to Malta.
Once more, PM Bobby swears he will implement all the recommendations in the Daphne Caruana Galizia inquiry’s report… quite soon perhaps.
Neville Gafà is appointed Maltese ambassador to hell (aka Libya). Is this Bobby’s idea of some sort of sick joke?
August: Since their empty bottle scam has been rumbled, Keitt, Malkim, Yorgen, etc… deny hitting on another “foolproof” scheme to make lots of dirty money: by forming a company to salvage and recycle used toilet paper.
Attard local council are in trouble for filling in a large pothole in the village centre. Apparently, it was the designated Malta office of a shady Russian oligarch who has just purchased a Maltese passport.
Since Chuwseff Muscat took over as head of Malta Professional Football Clubs Association (MPFCA), FIFA head Gianni Infantino announces that Maltese football has risen to number one in the list of the most corrupt leagues.
The minister for environmental cock-ups says that his decision to name his newly built villa “Il-but ta’ Michael Stivala” does not mean that he and all his fellow ministers are totally beholden to the all-powerful developers lobby.
September: PM Bobby is forced to deny that the strings dangling from his arms, legs and head are there for Chuwseff to pull, when he wants him to do his bidding.
In another City Gate vox-pop, out of the 175 people interviewed on the travails of the PN, 168 said: “What’s the PN?”
The FKNK platoon returns from Ukraine with an impressive bag of victims: They comprise 262 turtle doves, 167 golden orioles, 59 honey buzzards, 17 red kites and a Russian soldier.
October: At long last, Chuwseff and Keet are brought before a court and charged with corrupt dealings. However, an error on the charge sheet means they are both acquitted of any wrongdoing. Maltese justice triumphs again.
PM Bobby vows, yet again, that he will implement the Daphne Caruana Galizia inquiry’s recommendations. Any day now, maybe.
FKNK puts out a request on Facebook for a taxidermist who knows how to stuff and mount (not literally) a Russian soldier.
A new CEO for the Manoel Theatre is appointed. Gianni Blobbe Bonnicci admits he has never been to the theatre before, dislikes concerts – and the only music he enjoys is għana. But… he is a loyal member of the PL and has a tattoo of Owen Bonnici on his bottom.
November:
November 1: Sixty brand new cycle lanes are opened by the transport minister.
November 2: Sixty cyclists are mown down in brand new cycle lanes.
With a complete monopoly of all the island’s media, the Labour Party puts One TV up for sale. They reason they don’t need it anymore; PBS has fully perfected toeing the PL line.
Magistrate Nadine Lia says she will refuse to sit in the judgment of any case that does not involve her father-in-law… whether he is acting for or against the plaintiff.
The American University in Malta holds a graduation ceremony for all its students. And both are reported to be very happy with their degrees.
In the comments section of the STOM, Eddy Privitera quotes a single true fact! (no, forget that one… it couldn’t possibly happen.)
December: PM Bobby swears he will implement in full each and every recommendation contained in the Daphne Caruana Galizia inquiry report, setting a target date for early in the new year… forsi…
The festive season gets under way with another €10 COLA ‘Krismiss’ gift from Santa Claus, aka Krismiss Farthair, aka Clyde Caruana… followed by a €11 rise in the cost of living… as usual.
The PN announces that it is now totally broke, bankrupt, busted and skint; so from today, it will cease to exist.
So it’s official: Malta is now a one-party state.
Chuwseff, Keet, Konrat, Yorgen, Masgar and the Debonos sail off into the sunset in Yorgen’s yacht to long and happy retirements in Dubai. Altogether now: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
And finally, as usual my very best wishes for the New Year to all my fans… yes, both of them.