For those of you wondering just what is going to befall us in the coming year, here it all is: Sylvanus’s predictions for 2022 laid out before you.
January: Karl Stagno Navarra is made official spokesperson for the PL (I thought he already was… Ed).
In the wake of having his correspondence with Yorgen Fenech published by Mark Camilleri, Edward Zammit Lewis denies that there was ever a physical relationship between himself and Yorgen baby.
With a daily infection toll of around 1000 cases of COVID-19, the Omicron variant, the unlovely Charmaine orders everyone to wear masks or visors 24/7… yes even while eating and sleeping.
After an apparent lack of progress in the prevention of money laundering, the Financial Action Task Force (FATF) moves Malta from its simple greylisting to the rather more serious battleship-grey listing.
February: At long last, ‘Konrat Mizzi’ is due in court on charges including: corruption, fraud, money laundering, embezzlement, and for having the most irritating smirk on the planet.
Bobby Abela denies categorically that he is a puppet whose strings are being pulled by Joseph Muscat: “Not true. I am absolutely my own man and I have Chuwseff’s permission to say so.”
After going awol for nearly two years, Keet Schembri’s missing phone eventually turns up. It is in a skip in Mellieħa – and it’s not surprising he didn’t want it found because, when analysed, it turns out to contain lots and lots of very naughty pictures.
Sensation: Government minister actually pays a traffic contravention fine.
March: ‘Konrat’ dodges his first court appearance by claiming he lost his way when en route from his car to the law courts.
Ex-police deputy police commissioner Silvio Valletta is appointed head of security to the PM at an obscene salary. Nobody is surprised.
Edward Zammit Lewis emerges as king of the pre-election coffee mornings. At least it’s one way of keeping his ġaħan voters happy.
Disgraced former PM Chuwseff Muscat adds another five lucrative consultancies to his burgeoning portfolio.
April: Sai Mizzi demands and is granted a whopping pay rise for doing sod-all for Malta very, very well.
Edward Zammit Lewis, when addressing a corner meeting, says it was “a slip of the tongue” when he referred to his district constituents as “ġaħan”. He explains: “What I meant to call them was “ferħan” (happy).
The late Screaming Lord Sutch’s party, The Monster Raving Loony Party, announces that they will contest the Malta general election next month.
Yorgen Fenech lays the foundation stone of a new luxury block at the Corradino Correction Facility. Could it be he’s anticipating being its first “guest”?
May: Ex-minister Kon again dodges a court hearing, claiming this time it was his lawyer who couldn’t find the law courts… ahem.
Labour wins the election with a landslide majority of 45,000 votes. Second are The Monster Raving Loony Party with 246 votes, third are the PN with nine votes. PN leader Bernard Grech says: “Damn, I was sure we’d make double figures.”
Parliamentary Speaker Anġlu Farrugia elects to abandon all pretence of impartiality and oversees the business of government from a comfy chair among the government benches.
As another COVID variant arrives in Malta, charmless Charmaine pops up on TV… yet again, to not answer another batch of concerned viewers’ questions.
June: Yet again, slippery Kon dodges court; this time he claims he was far too busy sitting at home watching TV.
With little to cheer re our money laundering problems, the FATF moves our status up another notch to blackish-grey listing. Who cares eh! Not Chuwseff that’s for sure; he just adds a couple more lucrative consultancies to his already bulging portfolio.
Minister for Gozo Clint Camilleri declares the whole of Gozo a designated hunting area. Consequently, the population are to be issued with steel helmets and flak jackets as protection against poor shots.
July: After claiming the “honour” of having the most corrupt human being on the planet, we now go the whole hog and are declared the most corrupt nation on the planet.
At long last, the administration decides what to do with former prisons director Alex Dalli. They put him in charge of all licensed and unlicensed zoos in Malta.
In an interview with One TV, ex-PM Chuwseff Muscat promises that the weather will be fine for the next few days. Thus disproving the assertion that “every time he opens his mouth… he lies”.
In a court action, Mr Justice Abela awards Johnny Dalli €50,000 compensation for a breach of his human rights, just for the hell of it.
August: At long last, Konrat is escorted to court to face trial but is inexplicably rendered mute for the entire process. After being granted bail, happily his power of speech returns just in time for him to call a cab to take him home afterwards.
The PM engages the ex-PM Chuwseff M to write a new code of ethics for MPs. Chuwseff denies that it will comfortably fit onto the back of a postage stamp. Onto the back of a business card maybe… but not a stamp.
Ex-economy minister Chris Cardona denies that, since leaving politics, he has turned the Stable Pub in Valletta into a ‘house of ill repute’ for his own “relaxation”.
In the wake of mounting public disgust, Anġlu Farrugia resigns as parliamentary speaker, to be replaced by amateur zookeeper Anton Cutajar… how appropriate.
September: Malta is now officially an FATF-designated jet-black listed nation. The FATF describes money laundering here as being on an industrial scale.
After losing at home to Vatican city by 10 goals to nil, the Malta football team slips to the very bottom of the FIFA rankings… even below Gibraltar, Bhutan and San Marino.
Sep 10: Opposition leader Bernard Grech announces that the PN will never ever allow any citizen – whether PN or not – to avoid paying his/her taxes.
Sep 11: The opposition leader announces that the PN will grant a tax amnesty to any citizen who votes PN.
The PM decides to abolish the Ministry for the Environment, simply because there’s none left to be minister of.
October: This time, when Konrat attends court, he is afflicted by a sudden and debilitating attack of amnesia for the entire period of his scheduled cross-examination.
The PM announces that the former St Luke’s Hospital is to be converted into the new abattoir… how ironic.
Charmaine Gauci gives a straight answer to a COVID question… No, forget that one, it could never happen.
In view of its gross overdevelopment, the Gozo village of Xlendi is declared a UN major disaster area.
November: For the first time ever, the tourist numbers for the third quarter are in single figures. Proving conclusively that nobody wants to spend their annual vacation on a building site.
Johnny Dalli is overheard in Café Cordina saying he was going home for lunch and his afternoon snus. Although he insists it is spelt s-n-o-o-z-e.
Ian Borg explains that the predominance of potholed roads in the Maltese islands is not down to government inefficiency but to global warming.
December: The PM announces the setting up of a new government propaganda department to be called the Political Indoctrination Support Structure (P.I.S.S)… under the direction of Karl Stagno Navarra. Simply because he is obviously a person of ‘truss’.
Jason Azzopardi is off Rosianne Cutajar’s Christmas card list… and she is most definitely off Mark Camilleri’s. Naturally, Anġlu Farrugia was never on Matthew Caruana Galizia’s… while Konrat was absent from Chris Fearne’s list. And, of course, Melvyn Theuma is off just about everybody’s.
The Aliyev family in Azerbaijan are awarded Ġieħ ir-Republikkas for keeping certain members of the current government in the style to which they have all quickly become accustomed.
Helena Dalli changes her surname to Scrooge.
All that remains is for me to wish my readers an extravagantly happy and auspicious New Year.