After the momentous events of 2019, let’s hope for a more serene year ahead. So yet again Sylvanus pores over his all-seeing crystal balls to bring you unequivocal tidings of just what is going to happen in Malta in 2020:

January

• The documents shredder has done its work and finally… to the great relief of most of the populace… Chuwseff Muscat limps off into the sunset and heads into exile in Dubai, to lick his metaphoric wounds, write his ‘sanitised’ memoirs and count his money.

• Malta’s new prime minister, Chris Fearne, ascends the somewhat tarnished throne promising transparency and zero tolerance for corruption. (Now where have we heard that before?)

• Neville Gafà totally rubbishes the rumour that his daily visits to Keet’s Santa Maria Estate gaff is in order to drop off Keet’s daily cheque for five grand from 17 Black.

• HSBC closes another eight branches throughout Malta and Gozo. Their chief executive in Malta, Andrew Beane, says: “It’s purely a nascent logistical, holistic management decision.” He declines to say whether the bank is planning to pull out of Malta altogether.

February

• Maltese football commentator George Micallef is admitted to Mater Dei hospital with an acute case of verbal diarrhoea. Sadly, it appears to be incurable.

• To help find areas in the Maltese Islands in which to dump building waste, the government gives permission for developers to utilise Ball Street in Paceville as an official designated dumping site.

March

• The PM fashions a brand new cabinet, saying he wants it to reflect the most pressing needs of the Maltese people. One of the new ministries he inaugurates is a Ministry for winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

• In a recent survey, asking the question: “Do you think Adrian Delia should continue as the leader of the PN?”: 0.1 per cent replied: ‘Yes’. 7.2 per cent replied: ‘No’ and 92.7 per cent replied: ‘Who is Adrian Delia?’

• PM Chris Fearne issues a banning order on the British journalist Tim Sebastian. He will no longer visit Malta. One humiliatingly embarrassing interview in a lifetime is more than enough for PM Fearne.

April

• The Ministry of Health announces that, due to the extremely long waiting times in the A&E sector of Mater Dei hospital, the administration of this department is being handed over to Air B&B. (Reduced rates for stays of three days or longer). (No pets).

• Minister for Justice – (who flogs overpriced passports to dodgy foreigners) – Owen Bonnicci, denies that every successful applicant for an Individual Investor Programme (IIP) passport will receive a ‘drive safely in Malta’ handbook, written by himself.

• And again, HSBC closes another eight branches throughout Malta and Gozo. Their chief executive in Malta explains: “This is all part of a minimalistic corporate restructuring exercise and ongoing essential staff redeployment exigencies”.

May

• As further sites for areas in which to dump building waste are urgently required, the government gives permission for developers to utilise the space currently occupied by the white elephant Teatru Rjal near City Gate.

• A peephole is discovered in the wall of another public convenience. This one doesn’t spy on the Ladies though, but the ‘Gents’ next door.

• Cyrus Engerer asks the newish PM if he can resign from the Soldiers of Steel so he can join the Sisters of Mercy.

June

• Minister Ian Borg categorically refutes the suggestion that in order to get his application for a swimming pool in an ODZ area next to his ODZ villa, he’s changed its designation from swimming pool to cesspit.

• The Planning Authority passes the application with just two conditions: 1) The “pit” has to be 15 metres deep all over, and, 2) it must be constructed so as to allow access for effluent from a further 14 other ODZ villas in the vicinity to flow into it.

• Police Commissioner Lawrence Cutajar asks Castille’s permission to arrest a known drugs dealer. The reply comes back: “If he’s an opposition drugs dealer: yes, and throw the book at him. If he’s one of our drug dealers, turn a blind eye.”

July

• HSBC closes another eight branches throughout Malta and Gozo. Their chief executive in Malta, Andrew Beane, states: “This is all part of reorganising the bank’s overall business model to take into account today’s blockchain technological advances.”

• From his suite in the Corradino ‘Hilton’, Yorgen Fenech refutes the assertion that he intends changing the name of 17 Black to 17 White, as a much more suitable name for a laundry.

• As further dumping sites for building debris are required, the Neolithic temples of Ħagar Qim and Mnajdra are designated for the purpose… only a few old stones lying about there after all.

August

• The chief executive of Global Healthcare totally refutes the accusation that he and they are unfit to administer even a first-aid post, let alone a hospital. He tells the media: “As a child, my sisters and I often used to play ‘doctors and nurses’. What else is there to know?”

• Malta’s first-ever €100 million state-of-the-art crematorium is officially opened in Magħtab by the minister for waste disposal facilities.

• The minister of transport denies that the gaping hole in the Marsa bypass was, in any way, a pothole: “It is obviously a design feature; some cynics with no artistic appreciation are trying to debase this government’s multifarious achievements”.

September

• Malta Developers Association president Sandro Chetcuti is given an office in Castille and a seat at the cabinet table.

• In a 2022 World Cup qualifying match at Ta’ Qali, Malta is defeated 23-nil by Gibraltar. Is this the lowest-ever point that our national team has sunk to? The coach responds: “No, not yet. We’ve still got to play them away in Gib”.

• Four adult flamingos are shot by two hunters in the Għadira bird sanctuary. In court both hunters are sentenced to jail terms of five days each… suspended for five days. Magistrate Amanda Sidori Gatt stated: “This harsh verdict should send a strong message to all lawbreakers.”

• Malta’s brand new first-ever €100m state-of-the-art crematorium is totally destroyed in a fire.

October

• There are wild celebrations in Cottonera at the start of the American University in Malta’s academic year. The reason: it’s the first time their student population has topped double figures. The only outstanding issue now is to find lecturers to teach these 11 students.

• The PN’s membership falls to single figures. Adrian Delia announces a mass meeting on the Fosos for the following Sunday, adding: “If wet… we’ll meet in the telephone box around the corner.”

• HSBC closes another eight branches. Andrew Beane makes it clear: “The bank is embarking on a one-time, locally targeted wide-ranging personnel and operating reorganisation strategy… or something.”

November

• Jason Micallef is given yet another gold-plated sinecure, at a salary of €18,000 a year out of public funds. He is appointed to carry out an audit of the number of students currently attending the AUM. That should keep him busy for a decade or two.

• The ex-PM’s mouthpiece, Kurt Farrugia, is offered an extremely well-paid job in the private sector. He turns it down. It seems nothing pays as well as a well-paid job in the public sector.

• A complete human skeleton is discovered in the outpatients waiting room at Mater Dei. It is apparently what’s left of a patient who was waiting for attention some time back.

December

• As a mark of gratitude for the efforts put in by the regime’s leading apologists, Tony Degiovanni and Eddie Privitera, both are awarded Ġieħ ir-Repubblika for services to whitewashing.

• The very last foreign gaming company on the island decamps to Azerbaijan. Their chief executive says: “We’ve heard that country is much more principled than Malta.”

• HSBC closes its very last branch in Malta and Gozo. As he boards the flight out of Malta on a one-way ticket to the UK, Andrew Beane declines to say whether this means the bank is pulling out of Malta altogether.

• Despite what Malta’s newish PM says: it’s official: Malta is now the most corrupt ‘democracy’ on the planet. But at least it means we’re good at something… right?

• And in conclusion, as ever, I would like to wish both of my readers an extremely happy and uneventful New Year.