They were yearning to invoke John Lennon from their podium. They so wanted to join hands, close their eyes and start swaying gently while singing “War is over/ For the rich and the poor ones/ The road is so long/ War is over now”.

That was exactly what Prime Minister Robert Abela, his deputy Chris Fearne and National Treasure Charmaine Gauci wanted to do when they gave a press conference last week to announce with triumphant trumpet fanfare that Malta-has-beat-the-virus-hah!

Ah bless, we were told to feel victorious, happy and glorious, and to go and celebrate in bars. Until, that is, Gauci, who’s always given the damper task, muttered vaguely that we can’t celebrate with hugs, and we still have to wear masks.

How very baffling – did we conquer the virus or didn’t we? And why do I have to wear a mask if the prime minister himself doesn’t?

I’ve stalked all the online news photos of Robert Abela in action this last fortnight and in not a single one of them did I see him wearing a mask, even when he’s inches away from people.

Did Gauci give him a special exemption? Because as far as I know, masks can only protect the public from the virus if there’s herd mask-wearing. If the prime minister says “Viva l-Labour” to someone, with just those two words he’s letting off a shower of 400 invisible droplets in the air – one of which could contain COVID-19. If he wears a mask, at least, he’s sparing others from a shower and possible contagion.

So why is the prime minister leaving his mask at home?

Does he think his droplets are corona-proof?

Or is he, perchance, a bit vain and doesn’t want to be snapped looking gagged?

Just look at the French President: Emmanuel Macron ventures out with incredibly sleek masks, looking cool and symbolically showing that civic responsibility and style are not mutually exclusive.

Instead, our insecure prime minister prefers to show us his non-symbolic stubble and goes about leading by contradiction: shaking people’s hand, patting them on the shoulder and in general engaging in people-huddling in confined rooms.

So, my question is – if he can do that, does it mean we can too? Does it mean we can hug our grandparents in elderly homes as opposed to seeing them and shouting ourselves hoarse to speak to them from behind perspex?

Does it also mean that those migrants left out at sea, crammed on poky Captain Morgan ships for more than 30 days, can now be allowed to land?

It would be a rather poignant humanitarian gesture, especially now in a world that is aflame against racism after the murder of George Floyd. So, can Malta bring ashore the black migrants to show that #blacklives matter to us?

Or does our prime minister like playing Zorro solely for votes?

There came our (unmasked) Zorro prime minister to defend those people clustering to buy vegetables

Only last week, he galloped on his black stallion to save those individuals who were “innocently caught in the crossfire of war” and broke the law because they “were not paying attention”.

There came our (unmasked) Zorro prime minister to defend those people clustering to buy vegetables; and those Floriana revellers; and those virus-infected people who resisted quarantine and put policemen and medics in great risk.

“You didn’t mean it! Here’s your penalty money back! Amnesty to all!” he cried as he incised a big fat ‘Jien Ż’  all over the country with his sword.

He went back home and assured his wife that she won’t be receiving any more calls from people telling her “Iss ħey, miegħi se taqbdu għax ħriġt nixtri l-ħaxix? Għax ma tarawx lil dak il-ħaxixu Keith Schembri, e? E? E?”

However, the amnesty announcement was not met with mighty cheers. Instead, people got quite hot under the collar and gave him a very public dressing-down. They were so vexed, in fact, that the next day, the prime minister dismounted his stallion and mumbled that “I, err, err, I, ahem, was misquoted by the nasty, horrid media.”

This in turn meant that the people who had thought they had got away with the fines started calling his wife all over again.

So the next day the unmasked prime minister mumbled some more. “Err, yes, what I meant was that, err, you, err, have to fill in a form to get an, um, amnesty.”

Right.

If this is his predilection, next time I park badly because I’m not paying attention to the yellow lines, I can apply for an amnesty. Or if I go over the speed limit I should get a refund if I promise that I didn’t really mean it. And who knows, maybe I’ll be so distracted that I’ll only give the taxman half my dues.

And each time I needn’t worry because the unmasked Zorro will come to my rescue.

The difference, of course, is that Zorro used to rob rich criminals and give the money back to the law-abiding citizens. Robert Abela is robbing law-abiding citizens.

Maybe the prime minister does need a John Lennon soundtrack after all – but this is the one for him: “Imagine all the people / Sharing all the world / No need for greed or hunger / A brotherhood of man.”

krischetcuti@gmail.com
Twitter: @krischetcuti

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