Emma had been with her husband for almost 10 years and, although various disagreements cropped up along the way, she feels that the coronavirus pandemic marked a turning point that led her to decide they needed to be apart.
“There is a lot of tension when parents have different views about the pandemic,” she says.
“In my case I was trying to be as careful as possible. I felt my husband was being reckless. This difference was a big turning point for me.
“When parents don’t agree on how to raise or protect children, then it’s chaos. The poor child suffers too… also, in some cases, the fact that income was reduced could lead to more stress,” she adds, asking to remain anonymous (her name and details have been changed) to protect their young child.
Earlier this month, Times of Malta spoke to four family lawyers who all reported an increase in people seeking their advice on marriage breakdowns since April – as couples spent more time together when under partial lockdown.
Since the first case of coronavirus in Malta in early March various measures kicked into place to limit the spread. This included the closure of schools and non-essential shops – driving many people to work from home until measures were lifted a few weeks ago.
What was it about the pandemic that pushed these couples to breaking point?
Clinical psychologist and family therapist Angela Abela believes that, more often than not, such couples would have unresolved issues.
“What happened during the pandemic was that couples were staying indoors all the time. They no longer had distractions, like going to work and meeting friends. Usually these provide a break from the intensity of the relationship,” Abela says.
Sometimes people find it hard to apologise. But one can start slowly by a small thoughtful gesture
“During this unprecedented period, people had more time to assess their relationships, think about their situation and about what they want in life. Also, many couples were under one roof, in a confined space and had to negotiate more issues.
“This was even more so for those couples who also had the children at home with them,” adds Abela, a professor in the Department of Family Studies within the University of Malta’s Faculty for Social Wellbeing.
To add to this, people were facing a lot of stress, including worries about losing their job, financial problems, fears about the virus itself and how it might affect their loved ones working from home while looking after and homeschooling their children.
“This type of anxiety can lead to a lot of pressure. And people say and do things they don’t mean under pressure.
“They become abrasive towards one another and kindness no longer balances out that abrasiveness,” she says.
Abela notes that power and closeness are intertwined parts of a relationship during couple negotiations.
If a couple disagree on whether or not they need to wipe down groceries, and one is more obsessive about germs, the other needs to be able to understand how stressful not wiping them down would be for the other.
“When you come to manage these differences, how you manage power in a relationship comes into it. The ability to be empathic helps you manage it better. If you want your way all the time, it becomes impossible,” Abela says.
All this has a great impact on the children, which is why couples who decide to separate need to work in the best interests of their children, not badmouth each other to the child, and not allow the child to feel torn between the parents.
If they cannot do this alone, they ought to seek help. Abela adds that research shows that the main things couples disagree on include philosophy of life, their intimate relationship, in-laws, finances, how affection is expressed, and ways how to spend time in leisure.
“Everybody disagrees on these issues now and again, but the style of conflict one adopts when in disagreement is very important,” she says.
“Listening to the other’s point of view helps, as does the ability to say what one thinks, and believing that the other person will be listening. Moreover, the ability to reflect and assess the impact one’s behaviour has on the other is very helpful.
“Behaviour is contagious and, very often, ends up in positive or negative patterns of interaction. Chances are that if you’re nice to me, I’m nice to you, whereas criticism can be very corrosive to the relationship.”
On a positive note, Abela is confident that for couples who are willing to get back together, there is a way forward – and this starts with talking and apologising for hurting one another.
“Sometimes people find it hard to apologise. But one can start slowly by a small thoughtful gesture, and by creating that space where remorse can be expressed,” she says.
“When this becomes impossible, and couples find themselves unable to resolve an impasse, going to couple therapy may be a safe haven where helpful conversations may take place.”