Yes it’s that time of year again. The time when Sylvanus peers myopically into his two crystal balls and comes up with the goods. So you want to know what is going to happen in 2016? Read on and wonder no more…

January:

Joe Mizzi is fired from the Transport Ministry and given the new Ministry for Oil Location.

Little tubby Manuel is appointed Minister of Transport.

His first task is to visit the airport to address the assembled taxi drivers… gathered outside. He informs them that they are all great guys and he will do all he can to make each one a billionaire. (Since they are obviously already millionaires)

A slim volume – a very slim volume, entitled: The Joe Debono Grech book of etiquette and decorum, becomes the number one bestseller in Somalia.

Toni Abela is handed yet another lucrative legal consultancy.

The CHOGM taskforce denies emphatically that they were ever overlooked for organising the staff Christmas drinks party at Farsons’ Brewery.

February:

In the first of his ‘official’ overseas trips of 2016, the Speaker of Parliament travels to Barbados. Here he will personally check just how many sunbeds can be placed on one hectare of beach.

Despite earlier protestations to the contrary, Marlene Farrugia does indeed join the PN.

KMB is appointed ambassador to Isis. It is deemed a short-term appointment.

KMB is appointed ambassador to Isis. It is deemed a short-term appointment

TV host Joseph Chetcuti denies that the syrupy liqueur seen dripping from his lips during a recent programme was in fact concentrated molasses.

March: The Minister for Oil Location, Joe Mizzi, informs Parliament that… although he knows precisely where there is oil in Malta, he’s not going to tell anybody where it is yet… so there!

The Gozo Channel Company announce that they are putting one of their ferries on permanent standby, for the exclusive use of Dr Manuel Mallia.

Toni Abela, to add to his other consultancies, is this time made legal consultant to the Ministry for Injustice.

Daphne Caruana Galizia denies… categorically, that she is currently romantically involved with Franco Debono.

Daphne Caruana Galizia denies… categorically, that she is currently romantically involved with Franco Debono

April: The PM decrees that – in line with this government’s current practice – the letter ‘O’ should no longer stand for the word ‘Outside’ in Outside Development Zone; but should henceforth stand for the word ‘Our’ instead.

In the light of recent serious EU misgivings that the organisers of V18’s year of culture are way behind with preparations. V18 chairman Jason Micallef states: “Nonsense! We’ll be ready by 2022… no problem.”

Ian Borg is sacked by the PM as PS for EU funds and appointed chairman of Mepa.

True to form, in Parliament Marlene Farrugia votes with the government and against her own party, the PN, in a vote on environmental matters.

May: Joe Mizzi is fired from his job as oil minister, when the ministry is abolished. The reason given is that the price of oil falls to 12c a barrel, so it’s no longer worth looking for it.

The Premier League football championship is won by Tarxien. Which just goes to prove that their imported Brazilians are better than all the other imported Brazilians.

Malta does not have an entry in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. The reason being that the Malta ESC organising committee fails to find a single ‘friend’ of Joseph Muscat and the PL who can sing in tune.

On yet another ‘official’ overseas trip, the Speaker spends 10 days in Las Vegas, carrying out a fact-finding survey on the impact of the gambling industry on male testosterone levels.

June:

The Federation of Conservationists and Bird Exterminators report a record bag of turtle doves in this year’s spring season. This – they claim – is conclusive proof of the success of their avian conservation policy… erm?

Marlene Farrugia resigns from the PN and goes back to sitting as an Independent in Parliament.

In honour of his services to some of its wealthier citizens, Joe Sammut is made an honorary citizen of Libya… lucky old Joe.

The president of the Malta Developers Association announces the disbanding of the association, since there is no longer any land left on the islands to develop

It’s official: The president of the Malta Developers Association announces the disbanding of the association, since there is no longer any land left on the islands to develop.

July:

The Ministry of Justice announces the immediate suspension of all activity in the Law Courts. For an experimental period all cases will henceforth be tried via Xarabank… presided over by Mr Justice Peppi Azzopardi.

On another ‘vital overseas junket’… sorry fact-finding mission, the Speaker visits Beijing for a photo op with the terracotta warriors – Spot the terracotta speaker.

Joe Mizzi appointed Minister of Culture. Chris Gatt threatens to emigrate to North Korea… He reckons there’s now more culture there than in Malta.

After considerable media pressure, Sai Mizzi agrees to publish a list of all her achievements on behalf of Malta. Sadly the publication – when it materialises – is totally blank.

July 1: Phyllis Muscat appointed Malta High Commissioner in London.

July 2: The UK breaks off diplomatic relations with Malta.

August:

In the wake of the government’s ban on freemasonry; the sale and wearing of three-quarter-length trousers is henceforth illegal.

Toni Abela is now just one short of a full-house, as he is made legal consultant to the Ministry for Cultural mistakes.

In light of the fact that political patronage is rife in the country, the PM announces the formation of a Ministry of Nepotism – and he selects to run it… his cousin Charlie.

The government extends the burka ban in the Maltese Islands to also include nuns’ veils.

September: Minister of Culture, Joe Mizzi announces an entirely new cultural direction for Malta and Gozo. From now on: Teatrin productions will be the only theatrical fare to feature at Teatru Manoel and the national philharmonic orchestra will only be permitted to play għana music. Brian Schembri joins Chris Gatt in the visa queue for Pyongyang.

The Nobel Peace Prize for 2016 is awarded jointly to MFA President Norman Darmanin Demajo and Joe Mifsud

The Nobel Peace Prize for 2016 is awarded jointly to MFA president Norman Darmanin Demajo and MFA ex-president Joe Mifsud.

The Malta football squad for the upcoming international versus Pantelleria, contains eight Brazilians with Maltese passports, five Nigerians ditto, four Croatians and one token Maltese.

Marlene Farrugia decides to join Alternattiva and be that party’s first – and probably last – MP.

 

October:

In this year’s budget speech the Minister of Finance announces – to applause from the government benches – that the price of fuel will drop by 40 per cent. However… the excise duty on petrol and diesel will rise by 120 per cent. So… instead of a fall in price at the pumps, the cost of fuel will rise.

On his most vital and efficacious official ‘overseas’ jaunt… I mean fact-finding visit, to date, the Speaker visits Rio de Janeiro to act as an official impartial observer at the Brazil national female beach volleyball finals.

The Valletta open-air theatre is finally made all-weather; when the Minister of Culture Mistakes announces that henceforth all audience members when entering the theatre will be issued with plastic raincoats, fur hats and hot water bottles.

November:

Mrs Michelle Muscat embarks on a lucrative lecture tour of the US. Entitled: ‘Glamiriss friends of me, like HM the Queen, Princess(sic) Camilla, Brangelina Pitt – and Normin Hamiltin.’

Another meaningless monstrosity of a monument is unveiled in Castille Square. Now all Joseph Muscat has to do is find yet another equally meaningless EU conference to host and for it to commemorate.

Full-house: Toni Abela cleans up the legal consultancy jamboree, when he even gets to be legal consultant to the Ministry of Everything Else.

Iċ-Ċaqnu’s Monte Kristo animal prison is declared a Unesco World Heritage site.

December:

Ever willing to put his body on the line; the Speaker now pays an extremely official trip to Lapland, to see if Santa Claus really does exist.

Grace Borg is awarded the Gieh-ir-Republikka for services to the Eurovision Song Contest.

Private Dione Maxwell Borg is promoted to the post of Supreme Commander Malta Land Force. And yes, before you ask, he is indeed a fully paid-up member of the governing political party.

Marlene Farrugia resigns from Alternattiva and joins Franco Debono to form a brand new political party.

And finally, as always, a very Happy New Year to both my readers.