Are you Gareth in disguise?

I consider myself something of an expert in football-related disappointment.

For starters, I’ve spent a lifetime supporting Sheffield United, a club that has exposed me to an impressively varied catalogue of failure. Even when things are going well at Bramall Lane, you know impending doom is only waiting for a suitable moment to introduce itself.

Then, whenever the domestic season ends, England take over and provide disappointment on an altogether grander scale.

The difference is that Sheffield United have an excuse. They have limited money, few genuine stars, and usually compete against clubs with considerably more of both. England have unlimited resources, the best league in the world and enough outstanding players to fill several squads.

The Blades disappoint because the odds are stacked against them. England carefully unstack the odds and then trip over them.

United do at least provide the occasional glimmer of joy: a promotion, a derby win, or a cup run that lasts slightly longer than expected. England, on the other hand, have given me more than half a century of heartache, delivered every two years with remarkable consistency.

After nearly 30 major tournaments without any tangible success, I have learned to recognise the six emotional stages of supporting England: hope, optimism, anxiety, panic, elimination and acceptance.

The good thing is that such repeated disappointment means it’s easier to get over the failures. Years ago I would spend days moping around the house after the inevitable knock-out, but now, by the time the kettle has boiled, I am ready to move on. You get numb over time.

England were not denied a place in the final by bad luck, a VAR scandal or a repeat of the ‘Hand of God’. They lost because they were in a winning position and Tuchel responded by sounding the retreat

Of course, it could all have changed last week but unfortunately, that muppet Thomas Tuchel had other ideas.

Before anybody accuses me of throwing my toys out of the pram because England lost a World Cup semi-final, it is important to point out that I don’t feel they really deserved to be there in the first place.

For most of the tournament they were bang average. Poor against Panama, Congo and Ghana, and lucky to beat Norway. Admittedly, the second half against Croatia was good and the win over Mexico was brave.

But at no point did they look like potential world champions as they spent long spells in each game moving the ball sideways with all the urgency of an elderly couple choosing wallpaper.

They did not sweep through the tournament like an unstoppable footballing machine; they stumbled through it like a drunk trying to find his hotel room, occasionally opening the right door by accident.

And that was down to Tuchel.

From the moment he left Phil Foden, Cole Palmer, Trent Alexander-Arnold and Morgan Gibbs-White at home, you just knew England would be short of invention. Tuchel said he had picked a team rather than a collection of stars, yet ironically it was the individual brilliance of Harry Kane and Jude Bellingham that carried them to the semi-finals.

Not only did he try to be too clever in his squad selection, he did the same with his tactics, playing players out of position on way too many occasions. Declan Rice at right back while Trent watches from his sofa? That’s bad management.

Despite all this, England looked capable of making history against Argentina, at least for a while. They took the lead, rattled the world champions and suddenly found themselves half an hour away from doing something no England side had managed in my lifetime.

This was the moment to be brave. Argentina were vulnerable, England had momentum, and a second goal would probably have finished them off.

So naturally, Tuchel decided to spend the remainder of the evening hiding under the bed.

The attacking intent disappeared, the team retreated, and the substitutions became progressively more defensive until England’s formation resembled something drawn up by a medieval castle architect. By the end, I am sure Tuchel was one substitution away from bringing on a drawbridge.

Trying to protect a one-goal lead against Argentina for half an hour was never going to end well. It was like attempting to hold off a swarm of hornets with a rolled-up copy of the The Sunday Times: technically possible for a few seconds, but not a long-term strategy.

Argentina were invited forward, England surrendered possession, and the inevitable equaliser arrived before the equally inevitable winner. What had briefly looked like a historic opportunity became another entry in the enormous book titled Ways England Have Found To Lose Important Football Matches.

The truly maddening part is that Tuchel appears to have learned nothing from the man he replaced.

For years, Gareth Southgate was criticised for becoming too cautious whenever England took the lead in a major game, reacting to danger by throwing on defenders until the bench was empty.

Tuchel was supposed to be different. He was supposed to provide the ruthlessness and tactical intelligence that would finally take England further.

Instead, with a World Cup final in sight, he produced the most Southgate-like half-hour imaginable, only with a German accent and even more defenders.

That is why I believe he should do the honourable thing and resign.

England were not denied a place in the final by bad luck, a VAR scandal or a repeat of the ‘Hand of God’. They lost because they were in a winning position and Tuchel responded by sounding the retreat. He singularly failed to do the precise job he was employed for – break the barrier of overcaution.

The fact that he has subsequently refused to take responsibility for the failure and even tried to blame it on English DNA only pours fuel on the fire and convinces me he isn’t up to the job.

Someone please find this man a cardboard box for his belongings. Quickly.

 

Third, fourth and first

Last night, England and France contested the third-place play-off, a match that only exists because FIFA realise it is a great way to fleece money out of fans who just happen to be in town and are too heartbroken to say ‘no thanks’.

Players and managers hate it with a passion, no matter what they say in public. It’s football’s equivalent of being asked to stay behind after you’ve been fired so you can help interview your replacement.

Luckily, by the time you read this, that third place nonsense will be out of the way, leaving us with tonight’s main event.

After over 100 matches, more than 10 hours of hydration breaks, countless refereeing controversies and a tournament long enough for some of the players to have visibly aged, we finally reach the World Cup final between Spain and Argentina.

At the start of the tournament, I confidently predicted France would win it. That went magnificently.

France did at least reach the semi-finals, which means my prediction was not entirely hopeless, but it still joins a distinguished collection of forecasts that looked sensible when I made them and ridiculous shortly afterwards.

I now want Spain to win, partly because they have played some excellent football but mostly because my long-term dislike for Argentina has gone up a notch or two in the last few days.

This is not a prediction, however, merely a preference.

After what happened to France, openly backing Spain would be less an endorsement and more an act of sabotage.

 

Your say

“After last night, I need to vent, and who better to vent to.

“I have never been so depressed after an England loss. It is one thing to lose because of something unanticipated like the Hand of God or Diego Simeone taunting David Beckham into a red card. But to lose to something that was obviously coming without reacting is completely unacceptable.

“It was a thoroughly deserved loss. Scaloni completely out-managed Tuchel, who should be sacked. From the time of the three Argentina substitutions to the first Argentina goal, the goal was coming. Without substitutions, England were too tired to close down Argentina’s wings, and cross after cross was coming into the box. One of them was inevitably going to end up in the back of the net. The failure of Tuchel to react to that was inexcusable.

“The contrast between the teams while holding a one-goal lead was telling. England went into a shell. That may be excusable when a man down against Mexico, but Argentina is not Mexico, and England were not down a man. When Argentina led by a goal, they pressed all over the pitch and would not let England breathe. England were reduced to having the keeper go long over and over, and losing possession every time.

 “Had Tuchel made three more substitutions at 75 minutes (Rashford and Madueke and O’Reilly and NOT Dan Burn), they would have had the legs to close down Argentina’s wings and pin them back. Instead, England just waited for the goal to come. It was like Gareth Southgate all over again.

“All credit to Messi for spotting Enzo and for an impeccable cross for the winning goal. But he had been shut down most of the night and lost possession over and over. Had England had fresh legs and stayed aggressive, he might have been contained.

“Utterly, totally, completely depressing and likely avoidable.” Henry Schmeltzer, e-mail.

 

E-mail: Jamescalvertmalta@gmail.com

X: @Maltablade