Watch: 'I tried to take my life three times. Now I feel lucky to be alive'

Between the ages of 13 and 15, Shaun Desira attempted to take his own life three times.

Now 33 and working in the film industry, he says learning to ask for help saved his life and urges anyone with suicidal thoughts to seek support as soon as possible because “life can only get better once you do so”.

Desira describes himself today as a thrill seeker, always ready for an adventure and curious about life. But it was not always that way.

For several years, he regularly thought about ending his life and came close to doing so.

“When I was at rock bottom, it was very bad. I didn’t know if I would get out of it. Nothing I could do was ever right, and the thoughts in my head would tell me I was worthless,” he said, recalling his darkest moments.

He remembers having serious bouts of loneliness during his teenage years.

“Between a lack of parental support and being bullied at school, things felt pretty rough and that there was no way out.”

Suicide is the third leading cause of death among 15- to 29-year-olds worldwide.

When I was at rock bottom, it was very bad. I didn’t know if I would get out of it

Desira said he felt anxious, depressed and hopeless. That dangerous trifecta led him to his first two attempts. He declined to share details of those attempts, saying only: “The first two times my body fought it off.”

The final attempt was different. “It was quite a wake-up call. I wanted to end myself but I didn’t want to end up in a hospital bed for months or in a coma… There was no guarantee. It was pretty scary, you may want to die, but your body doesn’t want you to.”

Friends became a lifeline

Desira believes instinct and the support he found from friends shortly afterwards kept him alive.

“I told them everything I held back. I feel incredibly lucky. Although I might not have had the best school experience, nor the best domestic experience, at least I have good friends, and they are what kept me alive.”

From that moment, he committed to being “more open and to adopt an open book policy when talking about these things”.

With his friends, whom he described as a “lifeline”, he spent time doing activities together and creating a space where they could talk about anything. Over time, the internal voices that once tormented him began to fade.

“By that point, when I would hear the inner voice that used to attack me, I could step back and acknowledge that that voice is a liar.”

Helping someone at risk

Desira shared his story with Times of Malta as part of a special Times Talk podcast on male mental health. 

If a friend may be having suicidal thoughts, Desira suggests a strategy.

“Start with understanding, do they need to vent, or do they need you to suggest constructive things? Then see how you can help and if you need people to assist you with that.”

Alongside support from his friends, Desira also sought professional help.

He is a client at Victim Support Malta, where one of the services offered is SPOT, the Suicide Prevention Outreach and Therapeutic service.

Deborah Falzon, who works with the service, said SPOT supports people who have experienced suicidal thoughts or attempts, as well as loved ones of those who have struggled or died by suicide.

Do not get comfortable in feeling helpless and hopeless, this isn’t the end, this is preventable

The service has a multidisciplinary team of psychologists, counsellors and other therapists. It is free and open to anyone who needs it, but Falzon stressed that “this is not a crisis service, our specification is in long-term care”.

Desira has also developed his own coping mechanisms to keep his mind clear of dark thoughts. He keeps physically active through climbing, kayaking and gardening.

He stresses there is no shame in asking for help.

“Do not get comfortable in feeling helpless and hopeless, this isn’t the end, this is preventable.”

National suicide prevention strategy

In March, the government launched Malta’s first national suicide prevention strategy, which will run until 2030 at a cost of €2.08 million. It was produced by the National Mental Health Services under the Ministry of Health and Active Ageing, in collaboration with more than 40 stakeholders from various sectors.

The strategy aims to improve awareness, prevention, and support for people at risk, while tackling stigma and ensuring better coordination between services.

For Desira, the message is simple: speaking up can save a life and did save his own.

For situations of crisis, there are 24/7 helplines that provide support, including the emergency 112 helpline, mental health services (phone 1579) or the Richmond Foundation helpline (1770). If you or anyone you know is in crisis or imminent danger, please call the above. For longer-term support, Victim Support Malta is available on 2122 8333 or info@victimsupport.org.mt.