Charmaine: Hello, my name is Charmaine and you can ask me anything you like about COVID-19 and the protocols we have in place in Malta. You may start now.
Person 1: Hi Charmaine, I find myself in a crowded indoor room every evening, with about 60 or 70 other people. I tend to have a bit of influence on at least 37 of these, who always laugh loudly at my jokes. I am the one who sets the rules for the rest of the population. I am a bodybuilder and I go to Sicily every weekend on my giant speed boat, and I believe that the spray of the waves as I speed past dispels any traces of COVID. So, my question is: am I right in saying that I don’t need to wear a mask? If there is an ongoing inquiry, don’t answer.
Charmaine: You clearly have to wear a mask. Our protocol states that groups of more than two vaccinated people when outside their residence have to wear masks at all times. The mask has to cover the nose, mouth and chin and can only be removed when eating or drinking. This is a mandatory blanket regulation and applies to all the workforce, whether you are a bus driver, a teacher or a prime minister. Oh, er, ahem, wait, maybe not the prime minister after all.
Person(s) 2: Charmaine, [voices speaking in unison] we are 35 people who spend our evenings in an indoor, crowded room. We insult, swear and thump on our desks; we shout so much that you can see the spit showering across the room. We don’t need masks, do we?
Charmaine: In situations like these, it is obligatory to wear a mask. Any person who fails to abide by the provisions of these regulations shall be guilty of an offence and shall, on conviction, be liable to the payment of a penalty of €100 for each and every instance in which these regulations are breached. Erm, although, erm, there are exceptions to this. People in the following list of names are, uh, exempt from this across-the-board, unconditional protocol regulation: Abela Carmelo, Abela Robert, Agius Chris, Agius Decelis Anthony, Attard Jonathan, Bartolo Clayton, Bartolo Evarist, Bedingfield Glenn, Bonnici Owen, Borg Ian, Camilleri Byron, Camilleri Clint, Caruana Clyde, Caruana Justyne, Castaldi Paris Ian, Cutajar Rosianne, Dalli Miriam, Debattista Deo, Falzon Michael, Farrugia Aaron, Farrugia Michael, Farrugia Portelli Julia, Fearne Chris, Galdes Roderick, Grima Clifton, Grixti Silvio, Herrera José, Micallef Jean Claude, Mizzi Joe, Muscat Alex, Parnis Silvio, Refalo Anton, Schembri Silvio, Scicluna Oliver, Zammit Lewis Edward, Zrinzo Azzopardi Stefan. Next question please.
Person 3: Hello Charmaine. I have the flu. And a bad case of a runny nose. Should I stay home or should I go in a closed room and sit around a small table with five other people to discuss a hot topic?
Charmaine: You should categorically stay home until the symptoms abate. Wait – unless I just read out your name perhaps?
I have the flu. And a bad case of a runny nose. Should I stay home or should I go in a closed room...?- Kristina Chetcuti
Person 3: Hi Charmaine. It’s me again, the one with the flu. I was in a closed room with five other people and all of a sudden I got this terrible urge to remove my mask. Then I blew my nose and dumped the mask on the table next to my colleagues. Is that okay? Int okay? All okay? Missing you. Text me and I’ll come. Int okay? Just tell me, and I’ll be there. Bonġu my friend.
Charmaine: [Ignores him]
Person 3: Int okay? All okay? Missing you. Text me and I’ll come. Int okay? Just tell me, and I’ll be there. Bonġu my friend.
Charmaine: [Ignores him again]
Person 4: Charmaine! My car has blue flashing lights, eħe. Drivers pull quickly to the side and let me pass when I have to urgently go home to have lunch, taf? Listen, I think my body is immune to COVID. I tell you, I have immune system of an elephant. I once rode an elephant, maybe that’s why. My antibodies are ubiquitous. COVID doesn’t stand a chance. I am sure when I am in a crowded room of about 70 people, which is every day, I do not need to wear a mask. My body: very strong. Maybe Vizor should study me and invent vaccine like me, har-har-har. X’kont se ngħid Charmaine, do I look better without moustache?
Charmaine: [sighs] Anġlu. Okay. Maybe you can fall in the category of vulnerable people? Next please?
Person 5: [wearing mask] Hi Charmaine. I am very worried [raises one eyebrow]. No one is listening to me even though I am the deputy prime minister and even though I am a doctor and a surgeon and even though all the mandatory regulations are posted on my website deputyprimeminister.gov.mt and even though maybe one day I will be the next prime minister [stands up, cocks head to the side and poses with one foot forward in case of hidden camera]. Charmaine, since you are the Superintendent of Public Health, will you please take proper action and fine my colleagues as otherwise I won’t hear the end of it from my constituents?
Charmaine: [vanishes]
Person 5: Hello? Charmaine?
Messaġġier: Sorry, Ministru?
Person 5: Deputy Prime Minister, please.
Messaġġier: Qaltlek Charmaine qed taqra Animal Farm.q