Joseph’s mother was an alcoholic. It was only after she died that he realised he had to face the psychological repercussions of living with a person suffering from alcoholism – so he joined a self-help group and it has become a way of life.
He talks to me on condition I don’t reveal his real name – not because he has anything to hide or be ashamed of – but because it is a cardinal rule at Al Anon, a voluntary organisation that supports families and friends of people suffering from alcoholism.
“I joined Al Anon because I realised there were pockets in my life I had never addressed. I had dismissed the effects of alcoholism in my family. But I had to come to terms with that,” he says.
Unfortunately, not enough people reach out for help. Figures released last year show that an estimated 13,000 people have severe alcohol dependency problems in Malta but only one in four alcoholics seek help. And, around each of those people, there are loved ones suffering with them.
Personal experience has shown Joseph that the figures are lower when it comes to friends and family of alcoholics seeking help – Al Anon only has some 10 to 12 regulars at any one time.
Not enough people seeking support
“Sadly in Al Anon there are very few people. I feel one of the problems is that they come with the wrong expectations and they don’t come again. People come hoping their loved one will stop drinking.
“But it’s not what it’s about. Al Anon is there for people to try to live with their loved ones. It doesn’t make an alcoholic stop drinking. It makes you capable of living with the person you love. You come to Al Anon to help yourself,” he says.
In fact, he adds, even if the person does stop drinking, loves ones should still attend Al Anon. Why? “The alcoholic not drinking does not mean that that person is 100 per cent sober. Because alcoholism is a sickness. You have to learn how to support that person to continue in the right path,” he says.
Besides, one becomes a completely different person when one stops drinking… and the relative needs to adjust to the new life.
“We have people, like myself, whose alcoholic relative is dead but the philosophy of Al Anon becomes a way of life and puts you in a position to help others,” he says.
An estimated 13,000 people have severe alcohol dependency problems in Malta but only one in four seeks help
People usually call when they are completely heartbroken. In the majority of cases, he says, it is the wife who is trying to cope with an alcoholic husband. Many of these women are often told: Why don’t you just leave him?
“Just leave him is very difficult to say because you love that person. What we do say in Al Anon is detach from the problem, but not the person. It’s very difficult.
“It doesn’t mean you have to give that person whatever they want. For example, if your husband comes in drunk and sleeps in his own vomit – you leave him there. And if there are children, they are taught that their father is a sick person not a bad person.
“When he wakes up in the morning and finds himself there, that is when you talk to him and you say to him: this is what you’re doing.”
Courageous and encouraging
In a recent poignant article in Pink magazine, journalist Vanessa Macdonald spoke about living with an alcoholic husband and losing a father, husband and friend. Her husband died last year, at the age of 63.
She spoke about rushing her husband to hospital for what was believed to be a stroke – but it turned out to be alcohol poisoning. That’s when the heartbreak happened.
“Can you actually hear your life crumbling? He had hidden his drinking so well, as most alcoholics do. We had ignored it just as effectively, as most of us do when faced with the unbearable.”
Vanessa reached out to Al Anon and was introduced to the three Cs: you did not cause, you cannot control and you cannot cure.
“The first step… was haunting: ‘I have to admit that I am powerless over alcohol’… All you can do is learn coping skills… Don’t be hard on yourself. Your life is in turmoil. It is OK to admit that you cannot cope. Scale down your expectations. Cope for a day. Cope for an hour. Cope for 10 minutes,” she wrote.
After Vanessa’s story many people reached out for help, says Joseph.
“Her article was very courageous. I’ve made photocopies of that story so that I give it to people and tell them to read it. That is Al Anon.”
Al Anon meetings last an hour-and-a-half and are held twice a week: on Mondays (English speaking at 6.30pm in Sliema) and Tuesdays (Maltese speaking at 6pm in Floriana). In Gozo the meetings are held at 7pm in Victoria.
For more details visit www.al-anonmalta.org or call 2137 0888. AA, a support group for people battling alcoholism, can be reached on www.aamalta.org.mt or 2122 0333.