Nine years ago, John was driving his friend home after a night out in Paceville when he lost control of his car and crashed into a tree. His friend died on the spot.

John (not his real name) has since been battling with guilty feelings – because he’s the one who remained alive.

“Nine years have passed and I have not gone through the road of the accident. When I pass through a nearby road, it all comes rushing back. A part of me is relieved that I still feel guilty and that I am not just getting on with life as though nothing happened…

“For many years, I felt it was egoistic of me to get on with my life. This was the hardest thing. I felt like it was an act of enormous egoism. Why should I live when someone else cannot because of something I did?” John says.

He asks to remain anonymous. He is still picking up the pieces and does not want to rekindle the story that shook his life and that of many others. Before accepting to give an interview, he makes one point clear: “I don’t want to be portrayed as a victim. I am not the victim here.”

But he has a message to give in the wake of the spike in traffic fatalities.

“When I hear of a traffic fatality, I feel for the deceased, of course. But I can’t help wonder how the driver must be feeling, especially if it was not their fault. That was not the case in the accident I was involved in,” he says, in a soft voice.

John agrees that, as suggested by a study published in the Malta Medical Journal, Malta lacks a consistent and professional road safety campaign to address the increasing number of traffic fatalities.

In his view, the campaign, that should come with better enforcement, ought to target anyone who uses roads: motorists, motorcyclists, cyclists, pedestrians and scooter riders.

This year, there have already been 18 traffic fatalities, including nine pedestrians and six motorcyclists. Times of Malta reported a few days ago that the mid-year figure of 15 was the highest in a quarter of a century.

The day of the accident

Speaking about the accident is evidently difficult for John. He speaks slowly.

The accident happened nine years ago.

He had been to Paceville with some friends. At about 2am, they decided to head home and he offered them a lift.

At one point, he lost control of the car and crashed into a tree. The friend sitting behind him died on the spot. Another suffered injuries and John too was hurt.

Why should I live when someone else cannot because of something I did?

“Till today, I don’t know exactly what happened. I was never comfortable saying I was definitely driving at 50kmh and I appreciate I may have been going faster. But I don’t know what happened. Till today, I don’t know if I dozed off, skidded, tried to avoid something, hit a pothole or just made a mistake and steered off the road.”

John remembers waking up in the car and trying to open the car’s mirror. He then lost consciousness and woke up in hospital where he immediately asked about the two passengers. He was eventually told his friend had died.

‘I should have died’

“I remember telling my father: I am older than him. I should have died. This is how I feel till this very day: I was driving, so I was the one who should have died. It sounds like a platitude but, at the end of the day, had I died, things would have worked out as they should have: the person at fault dying.

“Today – nine years later – I feel sorry about what happened and angry at myself for allowing it to happen. At the end of the day, I was at the wheel.”

He says he would not have made it through without the support of his family and employer, who chose to retain him even though he was still on probation.

John also sought the help of a psychiatrist.

“The psychiatrist and my lawyer told me: there was one tragedy and I should not cause another. I had to accept that I can try to keep living with my life without harbouring an exaggerated, crippling guilt.”

Two years after the accident, John was arraigned and, three years later, the court decided he had caused his friend’s death through his negligence. Although John had not been drink-driving, he was speeding, the court found as it handed down a two-year jail term suspended for four years.

At the time, public comments were in the sense that what had happened deserved to be punished by effective imprisonment. John is not sure he would have made it through a four-year jail term.

‘Why should they forgive me?’

“Sometimes, it feels like public perception is that when a suspended sentence is handed down, it means the person got away without any punishment. This is not the case as a suspended sentence can still create issues, such as problems with employment or the common task of obtaining a bank loan.

“Furthermore, one would still have been found guilty, which would be taken into consideration should the individual be charged in court for other cases,” he notes.

John is fully aware that people often comment and judge, which is bound to happen even with this article. This is the main reason why he spoke up.

“People are fast to blame others. But, sometimes, things are not as they seem from the outside,” he says.

John has never tried to contact the family of his deceased friend. This was not because he did not care, far from it.

“I don’t know what I would say. I wouldn’t even dare ask for forgiveness. Why should they forgive me? Why should I place them in a situation where they look bad if they say ‘no’? However you look at it, they are the victims.

“I can’t expect from them what I would not expect others to want from me. I’m sure I am not their favourite person and I don’t blame them,” he says.