Breakfast with Pierre ’n’ Joe

If, say, you’re a fly in my kitchen at 7 a.m., you’ll see someone with slit eyes, morning hair, wearing mismatching items, preparing school lunch while zombie-like watching breakfast telly. So far so normal.

Daphne girl, being a newscaster doesn’t mean you have to be as stiff as a wooden plank; how much better we’d listen to what you have to say if you lighten up a bit- Kristina Chetcuti

But if you had some manner of psychic helmet that you could put on in order to read thoughts, you’d probably be terrified by the concealed levels of bizarre thinking that would actually be going on.

Lately I’ve been watching TVAM, the new breakfast show on national television, which has, hurrah, done away with the having someone on the sofa discussing curtains, ditched the ‘mara tad-dar’ target audience and went for a more Sky newsy feel.

You’d think I’d be all focused on the news being discussed, but no. This is what will be really going on through my mind:

Hmm. Daphne’s dress. I like that. I wonder if it’d fit me? Where did she get it from? Would it do for that wedding party I have next month or would it be too over the top?

Are those highlights she’s got in her hair? Look at those cracked lips! Someone should really give Joe some lip balm.

Good thing Pierre is shaving off his hair now. And why aren’t they buttoning up those suit jackets? Don’t they know the button-fastening mantra: sometimes, always, never. Where’s the stylist?

Oh God, I think Joe is wearing a sleeveless shirt underneath the jacket, he must be, I can’t see his shirt cuffs. Pfft. They do have a paunch these men. Is there a gym at PBS? They should set up one…

And so on so forth. A nice little conversation between me and myself about people I have never met and yet in my mind I’m on a first-name-basis with.

I’m hoping here that I’m not the only one to do this sort of thing, of, um, trailing off. But that’s the thing with television, isn’t it? With presenters, how they look and how they say it is almost more crucial than what they say.

We, the viewers, crave those little moments when presenters interact. We follow their every move because we want to see how they get on. So I’ll be thinking, Daphne girl, being a newscaster doesn’t mean you have to be as stiff as a wooden plank; how much better we’d listen to what you have to say if you lighten up a bit and come up with a spontaneous witty line.

One morning last week, Pierre turned to Joe and said: “Smile Joe, they’re telling us we’re not smiling enough”, to which Joe replied, a touch on the defensive, that they’re not there for ‘kummiedji u tejatrini’ (comic antics).

Well. I’m not sure I want guffaws and grins so early in the morning (if I’m still grouchy, I don’t particularly want joyous people beaming at me), but I do want them to jest, because I want them to feel at home on their own show, andonly then can I feel comfortable watching them.

On screen, especially as we’re slopping our yoghurts, we want to see people with chemistry, because that makes us feel safe.

As a British comedian once said: “The public can immediately spot an imposter.” So we want the wit, the banter, the teasing – we want to witness a relationship unfold and grow before our very eyes.

In this case, I’d say the best thing is for the three of them to head for the pub in the evening, and over a pint they can get chummier; and we’d see that the next day on air.

The truth is that perhaps I’m pinning my hopes on Pierre ’n’ Joe. We want the couple to get along. I want them to be Clegg ’n’ Cameron in their honeymoon phase.

Why? Because they have different political opinions. And not since the days of Lou Bondi and Simone Cini have any two opposing opinions anchored something together. (The token duos plucked up from Net and One to present the Malta Eurovision don’t count).

They both resigned their party positions, but, of course, they haven’t dumped their political philo­sophies. So I hope these two will help cure the nation’s obsession with impartiality. It’s innate in our nature: we never want to take a stand. We love faking neutrality.

Well, Pierre ’n’ Joe, we know – nay – we expect you to have different opinions. This would be the first step in educating our society that it’s OK to express an opinion; it is fine to take a stand.

We also want you to celebrate your lack of agreement on air. Because at the end of the day what counts is not the differing opinion, but the way the opinion is delivered: with a touch of good manners, all arguments can coexist.

krischetcuti@gmail.com