Old Bore’s almanack for 2026

January

As a thank you for nominating him for the Nobel Peace Prize, Donald Trump rewards Ian Borg by appointing him design consultant for all his hotels’ swimming pools.

Since he was fired by Castille, Neville Gafà’s talents in clearing the Daphne Caruana Galizia memorial have earned him an offer from the Valletta local council as a street sweeper.

Another government-nominated pro-Labour lawyer’s application to serve as a judge in the EU General Court is rejected.

February

A camera crew from One TV is put on a 24-hour standby, to speed off to Ta’ Qali to film the first green shoots emerging from Jason Micallef’s gravel-covered family ‘grassy’ area.

The Gozo Civil Protection Department eventually acquires its own boat. All they need now is somebody who knows how to row.

Health Minister Jo Etienne Abela categorically denies that Karin Grech Hospital has become a haven for drug addicts: “Absolutely not! You are probably confusing it with Mount Carmel.”

March

Film ‘commissionaire’ Johann Grech wins this year’s Razzie for the worst performance by an actor in a supporting role.

Roderick Galdes denies there is anything suspicious in his purchase of San Anton Palace from the government for just €50,000. “I offered it, they accepted… deal done,” he says.

Another dyed-in-the-wool Labour lawyer’s application to become a judge at the EU General court is turned down.

April

The chair of the government-financed National Animal Welfare Committee, Fiona Chance-Spiteri is replaced by Tracey Doublesin-Borg, who may know nothing about animals but who qualifies by being a loyal member of the Labour Party.

One TV’s standby camera crew dashes to Ta’ Qali when a report comes through of greenery emerging from Jason Micallef’s gravel. It’s a false alarm. It’s just a bit of mould on some of the stones.

Robert Abela trumpets another great victory of his government’s pursuit of compensatory justice over Steward Healthcare. He says Joseph Muscat’s claim that he acted honourably has been upheld… kind of… but it will cost the government another couple of hundred million euros.

May

Malta’s Supreme Leader ‘Ayatola’ Stivala, magnanimously permits Robert Abela to build another four floors on top of his Xemxija guesthouse.

Malta again performs abysmally in the Eurovision Song Contest. Abela announces seven days of national mourning. Next year we intend to resurrect Mary Spiteri.

June

Donald Trump announces he will pay a state visit to Malta in September… if someone will show him where it is.

On One TV, Abela boasts that the Maltese are one of the happiest and most well-adjusted peoples on the planet. On the day that he also announces that another three mental health hospitals are to be built across the islands.

A party of Maltese hunters return from a shoot in Egypt. Their bag comprises: 212 songbirds, 67 birds of prey, 46 drones and three paragliders.

After his latest cock-up, Jason Micallef is quietly moved sideways to become CEO of Teatru Malta.

July

The prime minister denies that his secret chats with Keith Schembri are incriminating: “He is merely advising me on ways how to keep my mobile phone secure.”

The umpteenth Labour sympathetic lawyer’s application to become a judge at the EU court is turned down.

August

Following her rejection of a seven-figure donation to the MCCF, Madame President also turns down a similar sum offered by the Sicilian Cosa Nostra. The prime minister is livid.

Jason Micallef covers the floors of the stage and the stalls of the Manoel Theatre with a thick layer of polystyrene chips.

The police are summoned to a property in San Lawrenz, Gozo, to confiscate a stash of cocaine with a street value of €50 million. Instead, they descend on a property in San Ġwann and seize a stash of Coca-Cola.

September

Donald Trump arrives in Malta on Air Force One for a four-day state visit. He promptly bestows the Congressional Medal of Honour on the man he deems to be Malta’s finest – Norman Lowell. On the second day of his visit, Trump thanks himself for accepting his gracious state visit.

The Neville Gafa Etiquette and Charm school opens its doors in San Ġwann. The advert reads: ‘poofs need not apply’.

October

Donald Trump again fails to win the Nobel Peace Prize. He blames it on the ‘communist’ mayor of New York acting against him.

Lilu King is badly beaten up in Paceville by a little old lady wielding her umbrella.

In this year’s budget: for the second year running the film ‘commissionaires’ budget is cut, this time to just €5. Johann-the-spender objects: “For that I can’t even afford to visit the cinema myself.”  

November

Disgraced accountants Brian Tonna and Karl Cini open a chain of launderettes across Malta and Gozo.

The Malta Tourism Authority advertises ‘Finch trapping holidays’ throughout the EU, bragging that Malta is the only EU country with the gall to disobey the total ban.

Donald Trump demands that the Maltese Islands be renamed the Trump Islands in his ‘honour’.

December

This year’s Teatru Manoel panto will be ‘Ali Bobba and the 40 thieves’.

Stefan Zrinzo-Azzopardi does not get a Christmas card from Abela.

Another Labour-embraced lawyer is rejected as a judge in the EU General Court.

And finally, a Happy New Year.