Philip Leone-Ganado live blogged the Eurovision Song Contest Grand Final through all the thrills, glitter and key-changes on Saturday night.
The End
1.15am Malta's best result since Chiara in 2005 still feels like something of a disappointment, but that's just how it goes. Destiny gave it her all and deserves a hero's welcome on her return. As always it's been an experience. I'm now very ready to clock off. But thank you all for being with me on this wild ride. There will be plenty of dissection in the days to come, but I, for one, can't wait for next year. Good night!
Well then
1.05am I've gone off to drown my sorrows. By which I mean write a more sober roundup you can read here.
Italy wins the Eurovision
12.50am Italy does it. France and Switzerland follow. Look, I'm not angry at the winners. Great song, great performance. And seventh place for Destiny is Malta's best result since 2005. But let's be honest. It's hard not to be a bit disappointed here. The televoting is always tough on Malta but Destiny did deserve better.
Is it premature to suggest leaving Europe?
Asking for a friend.
Malta fails in the televote
12.44am A massive anti-climax to the night as Malta picks up just 47 televoting points, moments after Italy picks up over 300 to jump to the top of the table. Destiny's hopes of winning end here. She will end the night in seventh place.
Wild jumping
12.40am Ukraine take the lead after picking up a massive 267 points. Finland shoot up from the bottom half all the way to a brief top (and then second) after 218. Lithuania also make up ground from the bottom half to fourth (again, briefly). It's getting wild.
This is going to be dramatic
12.36am We're moving up country by country from the bottom and getting bulk televote scores. Malta has 58 points to make up to the leaders. Destiny could still win, or she could drop out of the top positions entirely. Anything could happen and it's only minutes away.
Televote: the UK end with 0
12.35am Not a single point from public or jury. Best explained here.
Malta in third place as we move to televoting
12.30am Great showing in the jury vote: Malta is in third place with 208 points, behind Switzerland on 267 points and France on 248. The televote usually brings dramatic swings so let's see how it goes. Hope remains.
Play Ja Ja Ding Dong!
12.20am Iceland have rolled out the man himself. Not Will Ferrell, but the guy who yells out "Play Ja Ja Ding Dong" in the Eurovision film. Thank you Iceland, for being you. However they also gave us only one point, which is not very nice. Romania gave us 12. Nicer.
I'll accept third place
12.15am We're holding on to third place. We picked up 12 from Australia and we're still in it. The televote will make or break this but if it were to end here, I don't think anyone would be crushed. One can still dream though...
Still in there
12.10am Malta continue this trend of picking up middling points (lots of sixes and sevens) from every single country, which has kept us among the leaders, though dropping back from France and Switzerland trading first and second. Incidentally, the UK are still on 0. Listen, their song wasn't bad. They're just the kid at the party nobody likes.
The UK jury have given Destiny 0
12.05am I wish Brexit meant Brexit.
12 from Norway!
12.05am A few more juries, and Malta is racking up points from all over, including a maximum 12 from Norway. It's left us in and around the top three, though some way off Switzerland, who are dominating in first so far. Again, the televote will shift this dramatically.
Malta gives 12 to Albania
12.01am I'm going to be honest and say I barely remember which that was. But it's been a long night and I guess the jury liked it.
Malta starts strong with the jury
12.00am Another eight from Albania leaves Malta in second. A strong showing so far, but the televote has a habit of shifting things rapidly and not in our favour.
Results have begun
11.57pm Malta gets five points from Israel and I'm once again avoiding political commentary. We're on the board! Four from Poland and seven from San Marino follow. This is a decent showing so far.
VOTING CLOSED
11.55pm Here we go. The hosts also gave us a moment with Destiny who, with an affectation to her accent I'm not sure we've heard before, told us she's nervous as all hell. And aren't we all, Destiny? Aren't we all?
From Maltese Facebook
11.48pm Some of the best fun of the Eurovision is the jokes your friends come up with on Facebook, and you guys have all been in fine form tonight. Here's just a few of the best from some of my favourite people on Facebook, all of whom have been in fine form tonight. Thank you all.
How much longer?
11.45pm We're still waiting here, and there isn't much to add. We've seen a montage of some iconic winners from previous years, and here's an amusing tweet I found.
What sort of a result would we celebrate?
11.25pm As if you needed any reminder, Malta's best result in the Eurovision is second place, with Ira Losco's Seventh Wonder in 2002 and Chiara with Angel in 2005. That's a long time ago. Since then, our best result is Gianluca Bezzina's Tomorrow which finished 8th in 2013. Ira Losco returned to the Eurovision stage with high hopes in 2016, only to finish 12th with Walk on Water. So Top 10 would be, at least in terms of our history, a great result for Destiny. Top Five would be incredible. Winning? Careful, it's the hope that kills you.
Voting still open
11.15pm There's some songs, clips of all the entries, and a bit of that mediocre Eurovision host humour that actually makes you think TVM's ad breaks might just be worth it. It's all about the results now, and there's still some time before that begins.
So how do we think that went?
11.05pm Some pretty strong entries across the board. Italy and France lived up to their billings as favourites, but Je Me Casse still does feel like the sort of song this contest was made for. And from Iceland to Ukraine to Russia, the offbeat section of the Eurovision was in fine form. I'd personally be very surprised to see Destiny win, but we'll just have to wait to find out. And by wait I mean keep pestering those friends of yours abroad.
VOTING OPEN
11.03pm It's time to call all your friends elsewhere in Europe and remind them to vote for Destiny if they like you as a person and value your friendship.
Inexplicably, Flo Rida
11.00pm Look, San Marino have brought Flo Rida and I know there's nothing in the rules that says you can't do this but it feels like you shouldn't be allowed to do this. Then again, when you're a nation of 35,000 people, you probably ran out of viable Eurovision singers quite a few years ago. So why not, San Marino? Why not?
Sweden also Swedening
10.56pm Sweden have been performing great at Eurovision in recent years, and this one really feels like so many of their recent entries. It's a strong piece, powerfully sung, but is there really anything that lifts it above any other middle-of-the-field piece we've heard tonight? Not really.
Photo: Kenzo Tribouillard/AFP.But here come the winners..
10.51pm Italy are the strong favourites to win tonight and let's be honest, you can see why. Måneskin jump right into it with our second rock song of the night. Is it Eurovision? Only in the sense that a bit of glam rock can always hit you when you least expect it and there's nothing you can do about it.
Photo: Sander Koning/ANP/AFP.Anti-Colonialism is Always Douze Points
10.48pm Jeangu Macrooy, who is singing Birth of a New Age for the Netherlands right now, is a Surinamese immigrant singing my personal favourite of the night. It's literally an anti-colonial anthem at the Eurovision and their performance is electric. Surely the first time Sranan Tongo, a language from Suriname has been heard on this stage. "They spat on your crown/And they poisoned your ground/Your rhythm is rebellion." Thanks Jeangu.
Photo: Sander Koning/ANP/AFP.We all see these costumes, right?
10.45pm Norway. TIX. Fallen Angel. Do you get the angel symbolism? It's subtle but it's there.
Photo: Kenzo Tribouillard/AFP.Mata Hari
10.40pm Bizarrely, this is apparently the second time a Eurovision song has been written about Mata Hari, a Dutch WWI spy. Just one of those Eurovision things. Azerbaijan, with whom our country of course has a deep neighbourly relationship, have turned up with a fun, catchy piece that just doesn't do quite enough to be memorable. They, like Cyprus so so long ago, also fail to understand what the traditional Eurovision demographic wants. It's what it is.
Photo: Sander Koning/ANP/AFP.Do you have to France so hard, France?
10.36pm It's Barbara Pravi with Voila, a song so French the Eurovision website doesn't even provide an English translation for its lyrics. It's like the end of an arthouse film your partner made you watch and you had to pretend you totally understood. It's also the second favourite to win.
Photo: Patrick Van Emst/AFP.Holy word-I'm-not-allowed
10.33pm I loved that. Electro-folklore is what Ukraine's Go-A termed that song, and the mix of that insane level of intensity (did anyone else feel slightly under attack) and that guy casually playing a recorder just does it for me. The weird electro forest set just completes the package. Eurovision delivers again. They're ranked just below Malta with the bookies and I can see why.
It's the Grinch Who Stole Eurovision
10.31pm Ukraine. This is something.
Photo: Kenzo Tribouillard/AFP.Disco, baby!
10.28pm Lithuania's Discotheque isn't objectively a great song but it's pure Eurovision madness from the offbeat genre choice to the moves to the crazy yellow suits and everything in between. The Roop tried their hand at their national selection competition three times before tonight in a display of Claudia Faniello-esque persistence, and I for one am glad they made it.
Photo: Sander Koning/ANP/AFP.Growing Up is Getting Old
10.25pm The time limit for a Eurovision song is a strict three minutes but I swear Bulgaria just went past that by four and a half hours. Cute staging though.
Photo: Kenzo Tribouillard/AFP.But there's always room for one rock song
10.17pm Finland's Blind Channel call it "violent pop" and, look, it's not the most Eurovisiony thing in the world (I mean: "Put your middle fingers up"?) but it's a good song and it's a nice break from all the rest. Hell of a performance too. I do think they'd do better in costumes. Might even win the thing. Crazy idea, I know.
Photo: Kenzo Tribouillard/AFP.Finland forgot their rubber monster costumes
10.15pm And personally I think someone should tell them.
What's German for Gianluca Bezzina?
10.13pm All these years since our very own singing doctor and this might be the most unrelentingly upbeat song since. Germany's Jendrik, with I Don't Feel Hate, is just pure fun. And there's someone in a giant hand costume behind them. I love it and I hope it does well, even though the bookies have it among the worst-performing songs. But this is why we seek out the Eurovision. Still, I'm not going to pretend he's not a bit like some YouTuber your younger relative is into and that you really want to hit in the face.
Is this Gen Z culture? Photo: Sander Koning/ANP/AFP.Another song, another sequined dress
10.10pm I've seen this dress at least three times tonight and I have to wonder if they're sharing it. That was Moldova's Natalia Gordienko, who actually represented her country at this contest in 2006 and finished 20th. I wouldn't expect much better this time round.
Photo: Sander Koning/ANP/AFP.Spain or something
10.08pm Maybe, just maybe, in a few years you'll have the vaguest of recollections of some Eurovision song under a giant moon. You won't remember that the singer's name was Blas Canto. You won't remember anything about the dull, generic song itself. And your life will be no worse off for it at all.
Photo: Patrick Van Emst/AFP.The Hands Thing
10.06pm The Eurovision press centre appears to love Destiny's dance move and this could be our biggest export since Kurt Calleja's feet.
But it's no Husavik
10.05pm I can't be the only one still thinking about that Netflix film a year later.
Play Ja Ja Ding Dong!
10pm Iceland's Daði Freyr is up next and oh god how can you not love every single thing about this? His entry for last year's contest, Think About Things, became a viral hit and was streamed over seventy million times on Spotify. This one is arguably not quite up there but it's brilliant. Their performance is twee and off-beat and they're wearing their own pixelated faces on their sweaters. They're sixth with the bookies, let's hope Europe doesn't disappoint.
Photo: Patrick Van Emst/AFP.Oh for god's sake Switzerland
9.56pm This guy's name is Gjon's Tears. He changed his name to put tears in it. Let that sink in. Or don't, I've just been aggressively yelling at my television until he goes away and we get back to the glitter. Here's a sample of the lyrics in English: Let the wind brush/His/her hand over my shoulder/The void in my head/Not a single place to hide. For God's sake, Switzerland. That high note is not going to save you.
Photo: Patrick Van Emst/AFP.Green Man Group
9.52pm Greece are up next and nothing I can say about their standard Eurovision-bait piece exhorting us all to dance will be better than showing you what it looked like without the green screen. I. Love. This. Contest.
Photo: Sander Koning/ANP/AFP.No wait, sorry UK! We love you!
Turns out some of their big names are being really nice to Destiny on Twitter so I would like to unreservedly apologise for my snarky comments on behalf of our entire island nation. Please vote for us.
Doesn't matter, still getting 0 points
9.50pm The UK have sent in the big guns in an attempt to get over their always-awful placing. And so it's the multi-platinum selling, Brit Award-winning, Grammy-nominated James Newman with an upbeat, saxophony piece. It's fun, there's giant saxophones for that Eurovision nonsense we all love, and it's still getting 0 points because Europe is not even close to over Brexit.
Photo: Sander Koning/ANP/AFP.Important update: Adrian Delia is in a different house
It's definitely not the one from the much-memed photo from the semi-final. I'd like to get the bottom of this but there's way too many songs to go. I'll read about it on that Facebook meme page tomorrow.
Heartwarming update
Thanks Destiny. Thanks Eurovision.
Destiny speaks (yes it's definitely her and not some overpaid social media manager how dare you suggest that)
Portuguese funk
9.38pm But Eurovision moves quickly and we're on to Portugal. They're called the Black Mamba. They play a sort of funk, soul, blues sort of thing. It's so, so, unbelievably dull. Excuse my French but can we have Destiny again?
Photo: Sander Koning/ANP/AFP.Like, we still love her.
9.36pm But not her best.
Or was that maybe not her best?
9.35pm We're all thinking it.
Destiny!!
9.33pm She's so good. She should win. She probably won't win. The world is cruel.
Photo: Sander Koning/ANP/AFP.Russia's Babushka Doll of Hell
9.30pm Now this is more like it! Russia's Manizha pops out of a giant dress on wheels, she sings dramatically about fields and sailing ships (according to the lyrics translation the Eurovision has helpfully given me). There's iconography. It's mad, it's bonkers, it's what we're all here for. It's also a Russian feminist anthem, but again, no politics allowed so we're not going to delve into the implications.
Photo: Sander Koning/ANP/AFP.Belgium - Hooverphonic
9.25pm Hooverphonic were quite big in the 90s, and this is right where they want to take us with this. It's good - dark and moody - I'm not going to pretend it's not. But what it's not is Eurovision. Read the memo, add some glitter, then get back to us Belgium. This is serious business, by which I mean not serious business.
Photo: Kenzo Tribouillard/AFP.9.23pm Catchy though. I think the kids would call this a bop. It feels made for Tik Tok. Hell of a costume change too. If you're a Millennial or older trying to understand youth culture, imagine Eden Alene (that's the singer, by the way) stamping on a human face, forever. As George Orwell might have said.
Photo: Kenzo Tribouillard/AFP.Israel: Set me Free (this is not a political statement)
9.21pm Israel, a country you may have heard something about in recent weeks, has legitimately sent a song called Set Me Free. And I'd love to make a political comment about that, but this is Eurovision and you're not allowed to do that here. They actually kicked out Belarus this year for sending a song with political undertones. Those undertones were backing a totalitarian dictator, but still. Mean.
Albania: Karma
9.20pm This is just so intensely Eurovision. Wind-machine. Sequins. Smoke machine. Then she walks into a smoke cloud like in some mediocre perfume ad. It is so deeply, deeply, forgettable that I fear I already have. Sorry, Anxhela Peristeri, I'm sure you worked very hard.
Photo: Kenzo Tribouillard/AFP.9.15pm It was catchy, the dress (while not perhaps appealing to Eurovision's traditional demographic) was quite something, and after Cyprus sent another Elena to the Eurovision with a Spanish-titled song about fire two years ago, they've done it again. Not much I can add to that. There's 25 more songs to go. May the Lord have mercy on us all.
Cyprus: El Diablo
9.12pm Here we go! Cyprus's Elena Tsagrinou is up first with El Diablo and look everyone's already pointed out that this is basically Lady Gaga piece so I'm not going to go there. If this were a romance, it would be a bad one, that's all I'll say. "I gave my heart to Alejandro," she belts out. Or something like that, anyway.
It's fun to stay at the... Photo: Kenzo Tribouillard/AFP.The show begins!
9pm This is it, two years on from the last time we got to say it, one incredible Netflix film notwithstanding, Welcome to the Eurovision. After a stirring montage of our host city Rotterdam, the finalists take the stage one by one. Most importantly, there's Destiny. She's got new hair. You may be interested to know that.
Mum ...and PM
8.50pm I'm also going to be doing my best to keep up with the best of social media as the night goes on. Here, for example, is Destiny's mother with a touching post on what must be an incredibly proud day for her.
And here is a drawing by the Prime Minister's daughter because I guess that's important or something.
Will we win?
8.45pm Destiny is singing early on - sixth on the night, which is not great for her chances of winning and therefore is already one potential excuse we can trot out when this all goes wrong. She's still third with the odds-makers, which means this is one of the best chances at actually winning this thing we've had in a long, long time.
So, on to the big question of the night: will Destiny end years of heartbreak for Malta in this competition?
On the basis of the odds, probably not. On the basis of history, almost certainly not. But on the basis of the blind optimism that has driven our country's participation in this insane contest ever since Marija l-Maltija first stood waiting by that fountain at Putirjal? Not only is Destiny going to win, but she's going to do it so comprehensively that this whole event will have no choice but to rename itself in her honour.
Go Destiny!
It's the Eurovision!
8.30pm Well, we're finally back. Last year's Eurovision Song Contest was, of course, postponed due to the pandemic so it's been a long wait for Destiny Chukunyere, who'll take the stage tonight with the highly-rated Je Me Casse.
The show kicks off at 9pm and you can catch it on TVM or over on the Eurovision's official YouTube live-stream for that purer experience.
If you're starved for some pre-show reading, we've got you covered. Here's everything you need to know about tonight in one handy article, here's Destiny's thoughts ahead of the final, and here's a piece about people who almost certainly love the Eurovision way more than you. And, more to the point, more than me.
It's going to be a long night, friends. Let's buckle in.