On the feast day of Mary Queen of Heaven, as Malta celebrated the mother whose body was uncorrupted by death, Times of Malta published an updated list of the 32 (or 36?) femicides since 2000.
The list is macabre – I do not recommend reading it with your morning coffee – as the fiction of Malta’s love for the feminine crumbles when confronted by our actual hatred of women.
What caught my attention were the chilling last words texted to Christine Sammut by her ex-boyfriend and murderer Kenneth Gafà in 2010: “You might have to change your arrogant attitude but don’t be surprised if I will be the one to change that.”
Sammut was shot dead but the litany of gruesome killings reveals that men who murder their ex-partners use their bare hands: usually stabbing, but also strangling, blows to the head, even bodily dismemberment.
Only such “perversion of intimacy” can express the deep-seated hatred that ends up consuming both… and it can start with exactly those words: your arrogant attitude.
I don’t know any woman who has not been told by a man that she has an “arrogant attitude”.
By the time we turn 40, and our days of accommodating men’s every whim seem over, an “arrogant attitude” can almost sound like a badge of honour.
When persons who are wounded try to relate – and who is not wounded? – it can quickly turn volatile
But every woman who has heard “the words” from a man she is (or was) close to, and seen his eyes turn mad as if possessed, knows that the problem is not “her attitude”.
Calm assertiveness can ignite a man’s demon, boundaries can infuriate him, saying “no” can get him into a rage, and pinpointing how he has already wronged her can drive him to murder.
Every woman knows there is nothing more dangerous than “her” – and I call it “her” because men are never less masculine than when their anger is ignited and hysteria possesses them.
They become the worst version of “female” that they project onto you, and it takes much strength for them to self-regulate. But if he doesn’t, how does a woman protect herself?
Appease him (or rather “her”) by submitting to his will? Perhaps the worst she could do is to let her own demon take over to defend herself: lashing out with words that could dismember his ego. The intimation that she (or the “him” in her) might do just that, is what “attitude” is all about.
Women seem hardwired to relate and form bonds of intimacy. Men seem hardwired to protect and have a strong self. In reality, no one who has no self-respect can truly love; and all true self-respect flows to love.
Masculine and feminine complementarity are energies that exist within every person, irrespective of gender. But pride becomes rage when fragile egos do not get validation; and a weak self can make anyone cling desperately to alleviate a deep-seated abandonment. When persons who are wounded try to relate – and who is not wounded? – it can quickly turn volatile.
Hence femicide as societal perversion. We are too arrogant to accept the truth that there is no woman who is not extremely vulnerable when she encounters a weak man. His mere physical strength – and her tendency to deny that he could annihilate her – corner her, trap her… and over and over, we just watch her become a blood sacrifice.
Nadia Delicata is associate professor, Department of Moral Theology, University of Malta.