January

Phyllisienne Brincat hosts a new TVM discussion show called Prosit tal-Programm. Episode one is themed: ‘Is modern-day dwarfism the legacy of the Black Death plague of the mid-14th century?’

Ramon Briguglio-Sant, the mayor-elect of Żebbiegħ, delays his swearing-in by six weeks while he goes through puberty.

Franco Debono calls a press conference to announce that he is not only rejoining the PN, he is also returning to parliament… just as soon as he can persuade an obliging Nationalist MP to stand down to allow him to take his rightful place therein.

Following the public’s recent rubbishing and contempt for the release of the risible report into the film industry’s impact on Malta’s economy, both Minister Clayton Bartolo and Film Commissioner Johann Grech are condemned to undertake a course in English grammar and truth-telling… but not at the University of Malta. 

February

Clint Mansueto totally rubbishes a report that he made sure that a candidate, who is registered blind and quadriplegic, passed her driving test.

The prime minister opens yet another luxury hotel, The Grand Hotel Opulenta, this time in Mannarino Road, Birkirkara. He states: “This is just what Malta needs, another five-star hotel in a rundown area. Prosit lis-sur Stivala.”

Abela says he is exhausted from working untiringly trying to find well-paid untiring work for Rosianne Cutajar.

Malta’s leading painters and sculptors are commissioned to execute Joseph Muscat’s official oil-on-canvas portrait and marble statue. Sadly, all of their efforts are rejected since none of them could adequately capture his unique, sly, supercilious smirk.

March

The PN top brass give the police commissioner and the attorney general one week to extradite Ram Tumuluri from Canada to face our courts for initiating the hospitals fraud. The police and AG say no-can-do because Joseph and Robert won’t let them.

Cyrus Engerer delivers a speech to the Chamber of Commerce on the lucrative benefits of changing parties.

Franco Debono’s generous offer to “save” the PN is “reluctantly” refused by Bernard Grech. He cites Debono’s academic shortcomings as his reason. Apparently, his GCSE and law exam results fall short of the PN’s requirements.

April

The recently opened Grand Hotel Opulenta, in Birkirkara, closes for refurbishment (fumigation) in the wake of a massive infestation of French bed bugs.

Following the widespread assertion that the current police commissioner is more useless than his predecessor, he angrily responds with: “Not true, not true at all. I don’t even like fried rabbit.”

Manuel Cuschieri engages Joseph in another “no-holds-barred” Smash TV interview, in spite of an after-lunch siesta in an old people’s home.

May

Disgraced former MP Silvio Grixti embarks on a radical career change when he leaves medicine and decides to retrain as a handwriting expert and signature facsimilist.

In her latest Instagram post, Michelle is shown in the hot tub at her “lovely Burmarrad home, training hard for her proposed marathon swim across the Atlantic ocean”.

Bobby rids himself of one burden when he appoints Konrad Mizzi as resident ambassador to Panama.

Malta’s song fails to make it through to the finals night at the Eurovision Song Contest. In response, Bobby declares 10 days of national mourning.

June

Mayor of Bengħajsa, Wayne Abela-Sciortino (16), temporarily hands over mayoral duties to deputy Clint Bugeja-Sant (16½ years old) while he sits his O- Level GCSE exams.

Comino is declared a national recreational site, with sunbed concessions strictly restricted to friends and relatives of Clayton Bartolo. In other words: business as usual.

The Malta Film Festival once again drains the country’s coffers by bringing over mega-famous UK comedian David… er Whatsisname to host it. But Film Commissioner Johann Grech is still not happy: “For just an extra measly €20 million, I could have got Tom Cruise.”

The king and Camilla are in Malta as part of Charles’s belated coronation state tour of the Commonwealth. It coincides with Ed Sheeran’s concert… so nobody notices.

July

Inflation in Malta goes through the roof and even Joseph Muscat is spotted busking at Kingsgate, in Valletta. The card around his neck reads: “Please give generously. Family and politically motivated court costs to pay.”

Rosianne Cutajar is welcomed back into the fold of the PL and Bobby immediately brings her into the cabinet as minister of agriculture. A good fit since she appears to be an expert on pigs and troughs.

Franco Debono, having been rejected by the PN, offers his “towering” intellect to the PL but is rebuffed when they tell him they don’t accept PN rejects. (Hang on: they accepted Messrs Bondi, Engerer, Musumeci, etc… )

Inevitably, Johann Grech gets fired from his sinecure as Malta film commissioner. Equally inevitably, the next day he is appointed as a consultant to the ministry for sinecures, at a salary 10 times higher than the film commission.

August

In her very latest Instagram post, Michelle is photographed wearing the British Imperial State crown. She gushes: “My goodness my dear, it’s so heavy and yet somehow… so light. And soooo me…”

A certain Emmanuel Cassar Schmidt, the owner of two electric scooters, is sentenced to 36 months in prison when he is found guilty of renting both vehicles to visiting Italian tourists. The police commissioner comments: “See, we do go after the big fish as well as the small fry.”

In a mini cabinet reshuffle, in order to find an untaxing new job for Owen Bonnici, Bobby appoints him environment minister. Since the environment has already been irrevocably ruined, he won’t be able to do too much damage there.

The Great Siege bell goes missing from Valletta. A comprehensive search starts. Someone suggests checking out Anton Refalo’s back garden.

September

There are now so many piggies… sorry, consultants to various government ministries, Bobby decides to cater for them by forming a completely new ministry of consultancies.

Senior PL apologist Eddie Privitera’s latest post in the comments section of Times of Malta makes it onto the shortlist for the Mann Booker prize for fiction.

Malta’s police commissioner is obliged to deny that the maxims by which he performs his duties are: “Hear no evil, see no evil, arrest no evil… especially if it is our side’s evil.”

October

The very last native Maltese waiter retires. This means every single catering establishment in Malta will be entirely staffed by foreigners. Progress or what?

A gang of teenagers rampaging through Valletta is said to be untouchable because its ringleader is the front-runner to be the next mayor of our capital city.

In an edict from on-high (Castille) the word ‘corruption’ (korruzzjoni) is to be excised from both the English and Maltese languages and instead replaced with the two words ‘customer care’.

The PA (Planning Abominations) gives the green light to the construction of a mega wedding complex which will incorporate the Ħaġar Qim temples within it. Anarchy reigns.

November

November 5: Donald J. Trump wins the US presidential election.

November 6: Mexico and Canada are overrun by refugees from the US.

Speaking to the media outside the law courts this morning, Joseph Muscat insists that his downfall and disgrace have been engineered by “hidden vested interests” and have nothing whatever to do with the fact that he has been dubbed the most corrupt politician on the planet.

After a bad trip on “recreational” cannabis, Michael Stivala once again goes on TVM to eulogise about the “beauty” of Malta’s high-rise desecration.

December

Ġieħ ir-Repubblika is awarded to Silvio Grixti for services to... the PN.

A major bank robbery, implicating two cabinet ministers, nets a total of over €2 million. Bobby says that: “In order to help people, it is sometimes necessary to maybe break the law… just a little bit.”

The economy collapses and Malta is virtually bankrupt. Challenged about this, on the steps of Castille, Bobby retorts: “It’s not my fault. Blame Ċaqnu, blame Stivala, blame Joseph and his expensive persons of ‘truss’ and soldiers of ‘steal’…. Oh, and blame the PN… ‘cos we always do’. Now get out of my way, my yacht awaits me in Grand Harbour.”

And, finally: As ever… A very happy New Year to both my readers.